a need to write

i'm not quite sure why i'm back here writing. i'm pretty sure when you quit posting posts, people quit reading and then you're just writing to write. but, i think that's what i need right now. i am desperate for a creative outlet, because i'm certainly not getting it from my job. i have always thought i had a novel inside me, who am i kidding, doesn't everyone have that thought? but to be honest, i haven't the slightest fucking clue what to write about. no idea how to get started.

writing here is easy because i am anonymous (well, you know, to those of you i didn't know before blogging and to those of you i haven't yet become friends with in the real online world). i can let my hair down and say whatever i want to and not fear the consequences.
whenever any one talks about writing, the rule is--write what you know. this terrifies me because when i think about writing what i know--it is of a fucked up childhood and crazy parents.
maybe i just need to write that and get THAT out of my system and see if there's anything else? i have these daydreams where i write that story and somehow manage to prevent people from knowing just how true it is. i am able to write it and convince the world that it is fiction.

we are coming into fall and that makes me happy. you would think that i should be the happiest person around town, given the fact that i've had a vacation of a lifetime this summer and a family beach trip to boot. seriously, when i think about it i'm an ungrateful bitch because i'm not still riding on a high after those trips.

i am addicted to pinterest. aren't we all? but, as i sit there, pinning away (or liking away because i'm convinced if i just like things at work nobody will know how much i'm actually on there) i sometimes come across nuggets of thought that linger, like lint in a belly button. this one in particular stays with me--i am paraphrasing, but essentially it says we all go around comparing our backstage moments to everyone else's best performance. we look around and see the side of people's lives they want us to see, and compare that shiny happy world to the reality of our own. a reality complete with messy houses and piles of laundry and broken dishwashers and strained relationships. and when you compare that to anything else, you are bound to fall short.

so, perhaps i will get back to blogging here, i can't say for sure. i look at the links over there and am surprised that i'm not the only one who's fallen off the blogging train.

balance

things around here had been moving along, busy, but even-keeled for a while. granted our days were full--with the boy's karate and the girl's play (she's been in rehearsals for months for her first high school play that just wrapped up at the end of april)--but the hubs and i were in a rut. everyone gets in those damn things, but it's really hell when you're both in one at the same time.

the universe decided to help us out a bit by throwing some things at us. in the course of a month (give or take) i had the hubs at the er for a possibly broken, but certainly bloody, big toe thanks to an encounter w/ a fountain. (he caught part of a fountain from the backyard w/ his toe; not broken, but gruesome; he's just back to wearing shoes now); we had the girl at the er this weekend because she passed out (5 hours and the dr tried to tell me it was the sight of blood that made her faint; thankfully a follow up w/ her pediatrician proved that she was dehydrated); our air conditioner has gone out (again); the vacuum is on the fritz (not a good thing w/ four animals); and i'm killer busy at work.

all of this was going on (as well as smaller things like i got a splinter under my fingernail, the iron wasn't working for a day, etc.) oh and i got the girls smooshed again. i am waiting on the results and trying not to worry about it since last year there was a lump, which they discounted as being anything bad, but still, it's there.

yesterday i scored free tickets to cats tomorrow night--the girl and i are going. i think she'll love it. the hubs also (possibly) scored an all-expense paid trip for two to a foreign country in august. our hurdle is getting his passport--our hurdle for that is getting his birth certificate (he was born on an army base outside of the us and his dad has none of his early childhood records/important papers). i now there are ways to do this, just not sure we can get them done before august. i will not get my hopes up about a possible awesome trip that would be my 20th anniversary trip. (yeah, we'll be married 20 years this fall).

so the universe is trying to balance things out. i like that shit.

things that have tripped my trigger lately

...and by lately i mean in the last several months.

music--i have to admit to being a judgemental bitch. i assumed amy winehouse would sing heavy metal music that i would hate--i judged a book by its cover. someone sent me a copy of one of her cds. holy shit she had a set of pipes on her. she was born in the wrong time, certainly an old soul. love her music. and adele. i got on that band wagon too--even though they played the hell out of that one song for way too long. lmfao? i cannot stand. i swear when i saw them on dick's rockin' new year's eve (and how sad is that that he died?) i thought it was a spoof...no clue they were a real band.

books--stephen king is back on track and i loved 11/23/63. i also read the hunger games trio. i will try not to spoil it for those of you who've not read them--but, while many people i talked to where not happy w/ the ending, i was. no, it was not a shiney happy, tied w/ a ribbon ending, but it was the right ending for the story. the movie really disappointed me. i just read jodi picoult's house rules. it's about a single mom w/ two teen sons, one has asperger's. i am curious as to whether her portrayal of a person w/ asperger's is correct. it was very moving and really opened my eyes to what parents of children w/ autism go through--well, you know, as much as a piece of fiction can open your eyes. i am on the lookout for something new to read.

movies--extremely loud and incredibly close. i loved just about everything about this movie. i love the characters and the actors who portrayed them. i love the dialogue and the story and how the story unfolds. yes, it is heartbreaking, but, there is also good to it. the rum diaries--though johnny is in it and i am increasingly obsessed with him (more on that later) i didn't love that movie. it might be because while the girl and i were watching it we were interrupted w/ a mouse siting. the first mouse we have ever had in the house. that distracted me and i couldn't focus on the movie.

stuff--that word game (words w/ friends) and pinterest. holy mother of god those things entertain the shit out of me. when i am beyond mind numbed at work--i like shit on pinterest. i have a johnny board. that man is in my face every damn day--he is fucking gorgeous.

food--since starting the job (it's been almost a year!) i have gained 20 pounds! 20 fucking pounds. why? because i am sitting on my ass all day. it's getting bad and i need to do something. i need to MOVE my body. i need to quit eating!

tv--my new fave? walking dead. do you watch it? i want to cunt punch lori, put a leash on carl, and screw daryl : ) lol. i watched one episode of madmen. i will probably watch it again, but seriously, though i KNOW it is because the time frame it's set in, i can't get passed the sexism.

what music/movies/books have got you all hot and bothered lately?

(and where's the damn spell check on this new blogger layout??)

you know it's been a long time since you accessed your blog account when you have to reset the password (after several failed attempts at remembering what it was). i have been waffling for months now about the blog--thinking perhaps it's just time to face the fact that i don't have time for it, don't need it, and should delete it. nothing has really changed--my time is sucked up by working and being a mom. but, i am in a perpetual state of a creative void and for now it feels like the only outlet i might have is this blog. i doubt i have readers left, although some of you tell me you drop in once in awhile to see if i've posted. you are more than kind. if i do i guess i owe you a little bit of an update on life huh? these days my life is about going to work (and while i am beyond grateful about having a job--it is mind numbing. i didn't think i'd miss writing for a living, and even though the word writer is in my title, it is a misnomer. i am a proof reader/copy-and-paster/grammar nazi) and shuttling the kids around. the boy is still oh so enamored with karate, and attends classes five days a week. the girl--who is doing so well in high school that it's hard to believe it was just last year that middle school created so much strife in her life--has a part in the school play. my little introvert is a theater geek--and i say that with respect, because that's what they call themselves. rehearsals every night for months now--the play is at the end of this month. the hubs started a new job in january. it is not a job he loves, but, he did it for the money, and to escape the hell-hole he was in. we have two years of my being unemployed to make up for--with a kid going off to college in three years and the next one a couple of years after that. there is lost ground to be regained--so--we are both in jobs that do not trick our triggers. ***post writing got sidetracked last night as i had to take the hubs to the ER. he was investigating why the motor in the fountain on the patio wasn't working right when he dropped the top part, and, rather than have it fall on the ground and break he caught it with his foot. i was certain he was going to lose the toenail (and still might) and possibly have a broken toe. we couldn't get the bleeding to stop, so off we went to the new hospital in town. they gave him numbing shots in his toe (i think i would have passed out if it were me getting the shots) and then they drilled holes in the nail to release the blood trapped underneath. not fun. dude thought he was going to get up at 3:45am as usual (yes, that's when he gets up now) and go to work. i texted his boss that he wouldn't be in today. i can't make any promises--i want to get back to writing...NEED to get back to writing. we'll see how this works.

:::tap tap tap:::: anyone still out there?

gah, you go away from your blog for about three months and blogger goes and changes its format! sheesh. i got a fancy new fangled phone at work and i thought that would make me MORE socail media savvy and get back to being on top of things, but obviously that didn't work. our lives are much busier now. i blogged on a regular basis when i was out of work because i had....TIME. before that, when i was employed, i could blog from work or at home in the evenings because i had....TIME. that was pre-karate, pre-high school, pre-soccer. life got full. i'm not complaining. i have so much to be grateful for. so, what's happened since september? i finally got busy at work and six+ months into this gig i like it. i do miss the creativity that i once had in previous jobs, but everything else is good. i get pissed off when people don't meet my deadlines--and now, rather than being an editor that had power over the people writing for me, i have none and that frustrates the hell out of me. but, all in all, it's not a bad gig. the girl is doing much better in high school (socially) than she did in middle school. she still struggles w/ making new friends, but, she doesn't feel like the only brainiac on the planet and is hanging out w/ different kids now. the boy is doing well in middle school and he is now a junior black belt in karate : ) that test involved a family trip out of town for a long weekend, which was pretty fun. we are going to OK to visit the hubs' dad (and his wife, the hubs' aunt) for christmas. the boy is beyond excited about this; the girl could care less; the hubs is happy to be seeing his dad but anxious about spending that much time w/ him and his wife in his mom's house; i think it's a good thing we're going because the hubs needs to see his dad, but i am not over the moon about being away from home for christmas--the first time we've done so in 14 years. i have taken for granted all of the holiday things we do, all of our quirks and traditions and a little part of me is sad that we'll miss that. but, the part that is happy for the hubs to see his dad and my son to see his grandpa is much bigger and outweighs that little sadness. the girl is taking driver's ed. she's in her second week of the classroom portion. it could be a few months before she gets to the actual driving part of it. can i tell you that this freaks me the hell out? the hubs actually had me try to bribe her into not taking it. laptop? $500? nope--she declined both and is taking the class. i know this is part of growing up and i am excited for her. but to me it just means all of those things that happen to your kids before they leave you are speeding up exponentially. those are the big things that come to the top of my mind when i think about the last three months. there have been little things--i made the hubs get rid of his caddy and get a newer car (too many miles, too much work needing done on the caddy); we had a scare w/ the black lab and had to take her to the emergency vet (she's ok now); i went to lunch w/ my mom and she proceeded to tell me she wanted to be closer and happy (like one lunch can erase years of neglect--needless to say i haven't heard from her much since then); the hubs and i celebrated 19 years of wedded bliss (of course we were out of town for the boy's karate test at the time, but still); we visited philadelphia (karate test weekend); i read the help and the latest sookie stackhouse book; we saw breaking dawn (i'm still team jacob); we went black friday shopping (that night, not in the morning) and i was overwhelmed w/ what people will go through to get STUFF. i will try to start reading blogs again and writing here again. i hope you all didn't give up on me completely. i do try to keep up w/ those of you who are on face libre ; )