i had the last word

those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know that i don't have the greatest relationship w/ my parents. it is a .... pathetic relationship at best.

last weekend my brother sat down and had an adult, non-antagonistic discussion with them about communication in general and how their lack of communication w/ each other and their miscommunication w/ the rest of us lead to turmoil and most of the family drama we often find ourselves in. not that he asked for it, but i was proud of him. he didn't go in there w/ accusations or blame or anger, he just matter-of-factly said here are the problems and here's what we all need to do. my dad of course could not even nut up enough to accept any responsibility for any wrong doing, ever, for anything. couldn't even admit that there might be a communication problem. no surprise there.

i have been saying for awhile that i needed to sit down and have a talk w/ my mom. lay things out on the table. but of course i hadn't done that yet. my brother and the hubs, they are always the brave ones, not afraid of confronting my parents. i say it's because i don't care and that i don't need to confront them because i know they won't change and it doesn't matter enough to me to confront them. frankly, that's a lie and a cop out. somewhere inside me there is still a part that may be able to passively deal w/ my parents but not aggressively or physically deal with them.

that changed today. sometimes i guess when you don't have the courage or the ability to stand up for yourself, you find that courage and ability to stand up for your kids.

we went to my folks house for my dad's birthday. that in itself...well, frankly it just makes me crazy that i have to celebrate his birthday. they don't make a happy birthday you fucktard cards, and i felt that way before anything even happened. i made the mistake of telling my aunt the girl had mono. she's a nurse, i meant to talk to her about it, but, the conversation never got that far. my dad immediately said something he thought was funny, something about the girl kissing someone. then my uncle said something and i don't know what else was said. i said they could all kiss my ass, in a semi-teasing tone, and walked out of the room. later my dad, who rarely speaks to my kids anyway, teased the girl about it again.

when we got in the car to come home the girl immediately said to the hubs and i, you believe me don't you? you know i didn't kiss anyone right? then she started crying. 41 years of teasing and berating and stupid comments and much more came slamming into my head. the hubs was livid. if the girl had started crying at their house i'm fairly certain my dad would be in the hospital right now. when we got home the hubs ranted to me. he said it was over, we were done w/ them. i didn't say much. i still can't say much. i don't even know what to say. my dad is a piece of work. i suppose if you look at the comments by themselves they could be considered harmless. and i suppose if the comments were made in a teasing manner by someone she was closer to, like my brother or sister in law, someone who knows her and cares about her and jokes w/ her on a regular basis it would be different. or even if my dad was a real human being it would be different. but he's not and the bottom line is he made my baby cry.

so the hubs ranted/vented to me. we called my bro and sil and ranted and vented to them. the hubs and i stood in the kitchen and i said either he was making the call or i was. he said if he made the call we'd basically be finished w/ them.

i made the call. i half expected my dad to be in bed, it was after 8pm.

mom: hello?
me: hey, is dad still up?
mom: yes, why? are you ok?
me: no, not really. he made the girl cry tonight.
mom: what? why?
me: his mono comments. can i talk to him?
mom: yes
dad: yellow (he always fucking answers the phone like that)
me: i just wanted to let you know you made your granddaughter cry tonight.
dad: (chuckling and laughing) really? how?
me: by teasing her about the mono. she was very upset about it.
dad: really? well i wasn't the only one who said anything. (the defensiveness creeps into his voice)
me: well, she was upset. a kid should be able to count on their parents and their grandparents not to tease them. and i'll tell you this, you will not hurt my kids or treat them like you did us.
dad: (totally pissed off) oh really? feel better about getting that off your chest do you?
me: yeah. fuck you.
click. i hung up on him.

i can only imagine that after that he ranted and raved and my mom cried. she'll be burning up the phone lines to her sisters tomorrow or possibly try to call me.

all of these years i have kept things from crossing a certain line in my mind...never letting things get to that point of no return. for what? what would i really be losing if my parents were no longer part of my life? no drama? no guilt? i honestly cannot think of one positive thing that comes out of that house that flows into my family.

le sigh

ahhhhhhhh........can you feel me breathing a sigh of relief? yeah, well, that's because i got my blog roll back. i was lost. i wasn't going to tell you this, but i will because i know some of you could use a good laugh. so....when i was noodling around w/ the template i thought i screwed up and lost my blog roll. that's like losing a life line because i don't use any of the readers or other fancy techniques to get to your blogs, i use my blogroll. i dreaded the task of either going through a ton of bookmarks or comments etc. to get to you blogs so i could start the cutting and pasting of links and blah blah blah. so, just after i finished doing that 30 minutes ago, i scrolled down further on the template and guess what? yeah, there was my blog roll. lord. but, it did give me a chance to cut out people i don't read any more and add a few sites i'd been missing and even a few i hope to start reading. i'm so glad you're back on my right side. i will be around to catch up this weekend.

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and now for a grab bag of totally random stuff

1. a couple of weeks ago the boy started verbally compiling his bucket list. here are a few items on said list: see van morrison in concert and poop outside.

2. mono has hit in full force now. the girl missed school wed/thurs and half of today. i talked to her vice principal today because next week they have end of quarter testing (if she misses pieces and parts she can make them up, no biggie) and the week after that is the 7th grade class trip to the outer banks. as it stands right now i don't think the girl will be going, unless a miracle happens and she gets over mono quicker than anyone on the planet. we've talked a little about this. she's of course devastated, but i think still hoping she can go.

3. tomorrow we are to go to my parents' house to celebrate my dad's birthday. blech. dear dad--here's a topsy turvy tomato plant because you've never used anything else we've ever given you. movies?cds? never taken the wrapper off of. gift cards? never used. screw you asshole.

4. i am getting a bit paranoid. i have had a couple of leads on some freelance work. i've emailed or talked w/ people who led me to believe they were interested and then nothing. like i have the plague (or mono). oh, and for the record? i have yet to find a company that will pay me to blog. i know it seems like telecommuting would be something i could snap my fingers and do, but surprisingly, no. maybe in a big metro area or city or something, but not so much here.

5. i am reading stephen king's duma key and it rocks the casbah (i totally misspelled that didn't i?). seriously. i think after the dome and now this book i've fallen in love w/ him all over again.

6. the girl and i finished the 2000-piece puzzle two days ago. i will take and post pics this weekend. we are stoked. i have glued it. now to find a frame that will fit. it's huge.

7. my sil and niece (who's new nickname is bossy butt) and sister and baby nephew (6 mos old and he weighs 20 lbs and smiles all the time) came over for lunch yesterday. it was good to have company and to see my littlest family members. bossy butt makes me so happy just to be around. instead of move she says moose, as she's pushing you out of your chair.

8. the hubs. someone gave him a new cologne for christmas, i love smelling him in the morning. he's shaved off his winter beard and he's so smooth and yummy. next weekend he's driving to PA because the boy wants to go to a karate competition. the girl and i will stay home w/ the pets and the mono. when we discussed the possibility of the girl missing her school trip he suggested she and i go to the beach one weekend (and he and the boy would stay w/ the pets and hopefully no mono). he's so sweet. he's getting antsy for spring. antsy to plant stuff, flowers, roses. except he's wanting to put stuff in pots in case we end up losing the house. he's always thinking. even though we've been together for such a long time, he still rocks my world like no body's business.

9. since hotch wrote her post about spelling and breaking up w/ blogs i've been paranoid about my spelling and overall blog worthiness. sheesh.

dammit

i hate the way this blog looks. i was playing around w/ it and lost my blog list. fuck. and i hate how boring it is. i hate that i can't build a swanky cool blog. blech. ppppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhtttt! : P

through the fog

gal friday does this sometimes, describes her dreams, and before this one completely melts away i ...crap, it's fading.

the basic thing is that my friend april and i somehow managed to get parts in an incredible movie. i have no idea what the movie was about because it seems that after i read for my part i didn't have time to read the entire script before we got hired. april came up and asked me if i realized some of my lines required me to tell her her mother had died, and of course i had no idea i'd have to do that. (side note her mother did die in real life and no, i wasn't the one to tell her.)

we were whisked away to some secret location. i was excited thinking we would be shooting in australia or somewhere else as different, but april told me it would most likely be some where in the u.s. southwest. hmmm, maybe we were shooting a western?

we show up at the hotel, for some reason the hubs was with me and my parents and brother and sister, although they weren't actually my parents and my brother and sister were about 20 years younger than they actually are.

the morning of our first reading, or run through or take or whatever it's called, i was in a panic. we had gone to the cafeteria (i'm guessing) for breakfast and coming out of there we had to go down a huge escalator. i LOATHE big down escalators. they scare me. they freak me out. my friend april knows this and she went down first. the escalator morphed into scaffolding so i told april to bring me a chair and help me down. she said i needed to face my fears and jump. i panicked. and cried. i remember that feeling so vividly, that being scared and crying and hardly being able to breathe. but i jumped and it was over. then i was talking to the hubs about when we had to be on set and how far away was it and omg i didn't even unpack or know where my script was.

then the alarm went off and it was time to get the girl up. so weird.

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i have no doubt that the movie portion of this dream was influenced by the fact that i watched the awards last night. i never do that, really can't remember the last time i did it. maybe when i was a kid living at home and there were only three channels and the awards were a bigger deal than they are now? don't know. but, my kids started watching it, got to see half an hour of it and then i watched the whole damn thing.

admittedly i haven't seen a lot of the movies that were up for awards. we did see district 9 though and frankly i'm confused as to how it could be nominated for anything. but, then who am i?

i thought martin and baldwin did a fine job as hosts go. although i was shocked at the very end when they announced the winner for director and best picture and katherine bigelow was standing between them. baldwin smacked her ass like they'd just finished a football game! really. i rewound it to make sure i wasn't seeing things and he did. really? the woman has just been honored as best director (first time a woman's won) and her movie won best movie of the year and alec baldwin fanny smacked her.

really, i had no idea who she was before last night and i don't know a thing about james cameron other than he's got to be talented and rich since he made titanic and avatar and i'm sure other movies i can't remember, but they're exes. they sat near each other and all night they're movies were competing against each other for top honors. you know her winning best director and picture had to really, really feel especially good. (yes, i realize i'm making a lot of assumptions here).

i almost bawled (but also laughed out loud) when sandra bullock gave her acceptance speech. she's wonderful. i was hoping meryl streep would win, because honestly i think she's an incredible actress and can't believe she's never won.

clooney, the handsome devil, looked pissed off all night. i think that just might be his look though. and, while i do like watching him in movies, i'm not convinced he's the best actor anyway. i mean whatever movie he's in it's like he's always the same person. does that make any sense? w/ meryl streep, for example, i believed that she was julia child or karin von blixen (in my fave out of africa) or sophie in sophie's choice. there are a slew of others. actors who lose themselves in the character (and the character they play is always different from the last) always impress me more than the ones who play the same type of character all the time or who don't lose themselves in the role. i think this is why i like johnny depp too (aside, of course, from his hotness). he's always stretching himself in a role.

there was a poignant tribute to john hughes w/ actors who got their starts in his films; a montage of clips from people who died over the year (i didn't know ron silver had died) w/ james taylor playing in the background and then a very long dance segment which they could have done w/out and let the winners talk more. i always felt bad for the winners who had 2-3 or more people in their group and only one or two of them got to thank anyone. i did like the way they introduced the best actors/actresses by having someone they've worked w/ say nice things about them though. michelle pfeiffer's tribute to jeff bridges seemed the most heart-felt and sincere and you could see it really touched him. however, when he got up to accept his award the hubs and i wondered if he wasn't a bit tipsy.

i didn't watch the red carpet stuff so i have no idea what dresses got trashed or awed over but i'm always flabbergasted at that anyway. you know they've most likely spent a butt load on the dress (even if the designer gave it to them there was the expense to make it) all for one night. i doubt those dresses ever get worn again. on the other hand the guys can buy a tux and be done w/ it and wear it year after year. what a waste.

epstein's hanging out w/ us

...actually, epstein-barr, the virus that causes mono. the girl has mono. i took her to the dr monday for a strep test; negative but wait for the over night results. tuesday she went to school. wednesday back to the dr and the overnight strep test was negative too so lets draw blood and test for mono. thursday/friday she went to school and today they called and said yes, it's mono. wow. no medication to take for it it just has to run its course. it is not like the mono i thought it would be. she is not sleeping all the time or weak or anything like that. her symptoms are a sore throat and an occasional headache. no fever. no coughing. and no gym for a few weeks because mono swells your glands and spleen and if she got hit in the spleen right now it would be ugly. like medical emergency ugly. holy hell.

this is the first time the girl has had blood taken since she was a baby, when it happened daily and then twice a week for the first 1-2 years. hers was not an uneventful birth and when they put your 6 week old in the hospital for failure to thrive it's not fun. she had/has hypercalcemia. this required constant blood work, prednisone for years, ultrasounds of her kidneys (she has calcium deposits), endocrinologist visits, etc. she was about 2 before we were out of the woods and now she only needs an ultrasound of her kidneys every other year to make sure there are no changes. when she was a baby/toddler it was horrible to get her blood work done. one time in the hospital they almost got to the point where they were going draw blood from her head because she was so tiny and they couldn't get a good vein. the hubs was....heroic is really the word to describe him. he took her to her weekly blood lettings, i couldn't handle it. when she'd have a big appt. at the hospital and they'd do blood work we'd both go and more than once the hubs had to hold her down. she's scream at the top of her lungs and flail around. it was awful, just awful.

wednesday when the dr said he needed to draw blood i saw the panic in her eyes. but she was soooo very brave. i held her hand, she looked at me and while she didn't flinch or make a noise, there were quiet tears.