no humping day

i have a lot of random things floating around in this brain of mine so be prepared to be all over the place w/ this read.

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the hubs is on his way home (w/ his sister) from florida. the service was last night. he sounds so very drained, so very tired and eager to be home. he's been gone since sunday.

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there will be no welcome home sex. three reasons--i'm sure they will be tired, they probably won't get in until 10pm or later and his sister's flight leaves here at 5:30 in the morning to go back to ohio; mother nature tortured me the entire month of march and didn't give me a period only to drop the bomb on me on sunday, stupid cunt (mother nature, not me); his sister will be spending the night here--i can't have sex w/ extraneous family members in the house.

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last week we were sitting on the patio and i noticed something hanging in the neighbor's tree that leans over into our side yard. a bird apparently committed suicide. yes, there is a bird hanging from a string high above my house. an omen? i wish we could reach it to cut it down because it's fucking creepy. the hubs says the bird found out obama got elected and realized that w/ the economy nobody good afford bird seed so he offed himself. don't blame me, i married a republican.

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i would take a picture of that bird to show you how creepy it is but i think my beloved camera is broken. i was trying to take pics of the girl when she got inducted into the national junior honor society and it was not cooperating. i love that camera. i will be sad if it is in fact dead.

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this deserves a post of its very own but i can't bear (or is it bare? yeah, i'm just an editor wtf do i know about grammar?) another death post. one of my first cousins, one i happen to be closer to than the others, lost his wife yesterday. he is 30 and they'd been married for about 2 yrs. they were actually in the process of getting divorced and were separated, but still. i really can't process any more news like this right now.

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for the most part i have not posted much about work in the last few months (aside from all that heinous travel bitching i did awhile back) because even though things annoy me i just really do not care that much about my job any more. i am not career minded. i do not have the passion for it i once did. i am burnt out and though i get irritated, little makes me very angry. ok, except when i vented about people who sit next to me and sneeze loudly or talk too much. anywhoo, long story short, one of my co-workers said that my boss said that i must not be too busy because i come in late and leave early every day. WTF???!!!! i think he must be fucking smoking a skin flute or something (i stole that from someones post i read recently, skin flute). i am at work every day between 8:20 and 9 (most people arrive between 9-9:30), usually before most of his other team of employees even walks in the door. i hardly ever take lunch, nine times out of ten i eat at my desk. yes, i do leave at FIVE PM or 5:15 because i have kids to pick up from daycare. the thing that blows my mind is that i have to walk by his office to get to my hellhole of a pod so he has to see me come in every morning. i am torn between confronting him about the fact that he must be looking at the time on an alice in wonderland clock or maybe he forgot to change it w/ daylight savings? but i don't want to out the co-worker that told me this. part of me says, let it go, it doesn't matter anyway. but it does matter and it pisses me the hell off. i wouldn't be so mad if it were true. i'd be scared if it were true, but it's not and i bust my ass for that fucking company.

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i finally have an idea for a contest. i came up w/ it all on my own because the ones you all were suggesting were lame, i mean too tame. ; ) so here is the contest: name the most bizarre place you've had sex and describe it (the place/circumstance not the actual act--unless you just want to). this isn't like that episode of the newlywed game where the host asked the woman to name the most unusual place she'd had sex and she said, that would be the butt, bob. he he, cracks me up. ahem. but no, the winner of this contest will be the person who i think has done it in the weirdest place. if you don't feel comfortable sharing that in comments just email me, creativekerfuffle@yahoo.com. winner will get a cool box o' stuff.

to get things started i'll share my weird places, since i can't win my own box o' stuff. when the hubs and i were living in sin together in oklahoma we partied a lot. we were at one of his friends' parties and snuck away to the bathroom and had sex on her vanity. the other odd place was in his parents' backyard, maybe 6 yrs ago (meaning we were adults and had kids). i think we'd been visiting there for about a week and the kids were sleeping in the same room w/ us and so we just waited until everyone was in bed and snuck out to the backyard w/ a blanket. hmmm, actually, those aren't sounding so weird now. oh, wait, one time (at band camp) when i was pregnant w/ the boy i stopped by the hubs' work on my way to work for a quickie. he was a store manager at that time and we did it in his office. i was quite a horn dog when i was pregnant.

mostly sighs

i don't like scary movies but this cracks me up

*sigh*

happened what? joaquin--have you LOST your mind?

*another sigh*

*girly sigh* even as edward he was yummy

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell

i want to give a shout out to all of you who've kept coming back, reading me, despite the sadness that has taken over creative kerfuffleland. i feel like i should redo the blog again and make it all black and have emo music in the background, maybe throw up a picture of twilight's bella for good measure, but, that would take effort and i like the blue/chocolate. plus it would freak kristin out--she doesn't like it when i change the blog ; ). i know it hasn't been enjoyable reading. i know you don't know what to say to make it all better--because words can't fix things. but your comments and emails have really helped. (though REAL friends would send peanut butter and chocolate candies. i'm just sayin')

i have a bad habit of shutting down and pulling into myself when things are bad. i don't pull away from the kids or the hubs (in fact i feel like i can't get close enough to them), but pretty much from everyone else i know. i don't listen to music. i don't post as much. i don't read as much. i don't talk as much. i avoid going to lunch w/ friends, etc. then i feel like a jerk for doing that, even though my friends that know i do it seem to understand and are compassionate.

i was emailing w/ one of my bff's yesterday and she said something about looking at the good things in my life. i guess that's the weird part about all of this and the thing that is hard to describe. i am being totally self-centered in my grief. i am amazingly aware of the blessings i have---the hubs, the kids, the love.

when my grandma died i was sad for the loss, but it wasn't unexpected and i know she had a long life and things happened the way she wanted them too. i was more sad for my lost connection to my childhood and to my grandpa's memory.

when my bil died i was stunned and devastated for his sons and wife and for the hubs. i still can't really fathom it. i am sad for the loss of his life and the things that will never happen for him now. i am sad and frustrated for the hubs over the family drama he's going through. i am angry. but, i cannot begin to tell you how terrified i am of the reality it throws in my face. i am making it about me. and i hate that, but at the same time i can't help it.

it feels like the grim reaper came marching out of what i convinced myself was the very distant future and just plopped down at my kitchen table and demanded a cup of coffee.

grim: hey, howya doin'?

me, looking around nervously: what the hell are you doing here?

grim, slouching down in his chair like some cocky, gold-chain-wearing used-car salesman: eh, just stopped in for some coffee. (he slurps it loudly). and to let you know i'm around. you were getting a bit too cocky there, thinking you had a good life and being all happily in love and married and shit. i just needed to put you in your place.

me: you're heavier than i pictured.

grim, adjusting his crotch: that's called oppression baby. it sits on you like the weight of the world.

me: how long are you staying?

grim, looking around the room like he's casing the joint; ready to steal something from me: hmmm, good question. i don't really know. i don't have a lot going on right now, might just stay here for awhile.

me: i really wish you'd leave now.

grim, grinning: yeah, i just bet you do.

wtf

i just got a spam email. from my grandmother.

it's something about me winning a boat but the sender is betty williams. omg.

quiet

i haven't been online much lately. not posting, not reading posts. it's easier to play spider solitaire. it is mindless and repetitive and requires little from me.

looking at the calendar today it seems impossible that in the span of three weeks we have had such loss. how can that be? i can go for a day or so and be ok and then i become numb or emotional.

yesterday the hubs' sister flew in and later in the day they started their drive to florida for their brother's funeral service. stretching it out until a week afterwards is harsh. for at least a few days last week it seemed like it was just a bad dream. the initial news shocks you. then a week of waiting lulls you into thinking it was a bad dream. them leaving yesterday for this journey made it real again.

we decided i should stay home w/ the kids. they don't need to go through this again. already they are aware of everything.

i had an epic mom fail moment thursday night. the kids were on spring break so thursday during the day we organized their rooms and new desks and thursday night we went to the movies. everyone wanted to see knowing, w/ nick cage. the previews seemed ok, even though it was pg-13. epic.fail. here's a spoiler for any of you going to see it--there are creepy parts, eery kind of scary for kids (the boy watched from behind his hand in a few scenes). the plot? yeah--the end of the world as we know it brought to us by some solar flare from the sun. yeah---not the best movie for us to see, especially right now.

friday i took the kids to the science museum, cos they wanted to go. an hour into it they decided they have outgrown it. it made me sad. we also went to the library and got ice cream. friday night we had my mom over for dinner.

saturday we worked in the yard and went to the park. i also displayed my cosmic lack of coordination. we were in the garage and i picked up one of the kids' scooters, just to noodle around. i wasn't on it five seconds before the hubs said, please don't do that, you're going to hurt.....wipe out. the scooter flew out from underneath me, i hit the cement floor. i have bruises all over my legs and i jarred my shoulder. just call me grace. i'm still sore and feel so very old.

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i made a comment to the hubs that the tmi results so far are embarrassing. he said i should feel free to say that despite the lack of increasing numbers the numbers that are there were awesome and that even after 17 yrs and the fact that he's 43 it rocked. i paraphrased for him.

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the differences in my children. the girl was in the garage w/ the hubs and i when i took the scooter spill. she laughed and made fun of me. when the boy heard about my fall he immediately asked if i was ok.

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i can't remember when he started this, but one of the things the hubs always says is i'm glad you're my girl (or boy) depending on if he's talking to me, the girl or the boy. this morning as the boy and i were getting ready to leave to take him to school he said, i'm glad you're my mom.

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how. i am beginning to hate that word. i feel like i've written this before. i know people don't know what to say, but the pat--how are you doing? it's driving me crazy. i want to scream. we are doing fine. on the surface. we will survive. we will go on. but, it is hard. it is hard to get up and send the kids to school and go to work instead of just all being home together doing something or doing nothing. there doesn't seem to be much of a point to anything else.

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it is hard to grasp that the world doesn't stop when you are grieving.