Monday, April 21, 2008

power struggle

i'm in a quiet, shell-shocked mood today; one that comes after a long evening of arguing. ugh, the arguing part of marriage totally sucks balls.

though what starts the argument varies from time to time, the arguing itself has become something of a morbid dance of sorts. do you find this to be the case in your relationships? like you could pretty much have the argument all by yourself because you know exactly what the other one will say?

first let me say that we did make up. we've gotten better at this over the years. i used to be very passive aggressive and just shut down at some point, huff and go off to bed. it could be a day or two before we got back on track. now we typically get it all out (sort of like a cancer) in the open and then make up in the same night. this is not to say that whatever the issue was gets resolved, but we have truces.

second i should also say that we do not argue like we used to. in the beginning we argued. a lot. the hubs says if he had a nickle for every time i threatened to divorce him we could put the kids through college. this was a learned behavior for me; my mom always said that. actually, over the last five years our fights haven't been nearly as hurtful and catastrophic and i don't threaten divorce anymore.

third--we don't argue in front of the kids. not the serious arguing. not the mean, button-pushing arguing. this is not to say they don't ever hear us have words with each other. but, since both of us grew up hearing the knock down drag out fights our parents waged at each other, we refuse to do that to our kids.

the thing is, the hubs and i are both so pig headed strong willed. the issue, whatever it was that started it, gets lost as we try to "win" the fight. we both do it, we know this. i don't know how to break that pattern. i don't know how to actually have a fight and resolve the issue to make changes.

part of the thing is, and i'm sure anyone in a long term relationship can understand this, that everyone at some point feels like they aren't appreciated. that they are taken for granted. everyone feels that from time to time right? each person feels like they're the one making the effort or doing this or that.

sometimes the day-to-day things in life smother you and the last thing on your mind is making your sig other feel special. it's not that they aren't the most important person in your life, but they get neglected. this is especially true when you throw in a couple of kids. the hubs and i need some us time.

13 comments:

Sue said...

Word. Especially your last paragraph. I am still in the storm off and be passive-aggressive stage though. I need to evolve past that. But we don't fight in front of the kids either and sometimes there's no time to have the discussion we need to have. I'm to tired at night to deal with fighting, so we just go to bed mad. (Not good, I know.)

Kristin.... said...

I think that making a marriage work may be harder than raising the kids. Marriages always come second once you have kids. Finding time together can be impossible. Some nights, we feed the 4, put them to bed, and eat together, just the two of us. We even went out for a quick bit to each, alone, Saturday night. We found that if we neglect us, we're unhappy people. Because we realized that, we make an effort, every day, so remember that it was us first.

broad minded said...

in over 9 years together, i have never "cursed" at the husband, until about a month ago and for some reason i did. it got mentioned yesterday as something he would never forget. ouch. big time. he says he isn't mad anymore, but "never forget" is pretty harsh. when i said it, i was angry and i had a reason to be, but i wish i could take that back.

Creative Kerfuffle said...

sue--it took me more than a decade to get to the point where we try to make up before the next day. even now it's not 100%. i still huff and pout and don't talk for part of the night and sometimes we don't make up all the way. granted we're night owls so the event lasts into the wee hours of the morning.
kristin--how do you get away time? you have 4 little kids!!! w/ our 2 medium age kids it's tough cos we've never hired a babysitter. we do sometimes have lunch together (like we did today) but that's in the middle of the work day and not quite the same. although something is better than nothing.
broad--you've only cussed once?? hells bells. if i didn't utter a fuck you at least once during a fight the world would turn upside down. i don't always say i hate you anymore, but i have done that too. i'm usually the one that loses control and yells and cusses. i'm sooooo mature : )

Anonymous said...

The ex didn't appreciate me, either. But I got to the point that I didn't appreciate anything he did, too. Not that he did much, mind you. :)

I am guilty of getting in a huff and walking away. Slamming doors is fun, too. Makes me feel SOOO immature.

Sweet T

Kristin.... said...

We have a babysitter, at least until she goes off to college in September. We also have both sets of grandparents locally. It makes a huge difference. Otherwise, I'd become really angry over being home all the time with 3 out of the 4 and get really cranky.

Creative Kerfuffle said...

sweet t--i can't even say it's all the hubs, it really is both of us. i know that he does WAY more than a lot of hubs. and i don't think this time it was even about who does what. in hindsight i think it was more of both of us crying out for attention from each other. slamming doors--sounds fun! the hubs is usually the one telling me to tone it down when we're in the garage and i'm yelling and cussing my head off.
kristin--you're lucky w/ the babysitter and grandparents. my parents live close but we don't get/want much help from them (and that's a whole other post).
CK

broad minded said...

I said I have never cursed at him, but I have cussed I'm sure. I GD'ed him. it wasn't pretty. and it was over the dog of all things.

Creative Kerfuffle said...

explain please? cursed? cussed? so if i say fuck you to the hubs is that cursing or cussing?
CK ; )

broad minded said...

maybe i am splitting hairs. but i am pretty sure i have never said fu. i am sure there were some damns or something though. i just think saying "gd you" to some one is worse than other stuff. maybe i am being to puritanical?

Anonymous said...

The difference, to me, between cussing and cursing is the subject. "FU" and "GD u" are cursing the person, not just cussing in general, like "GD dog" or "f-ing broken window" would be. Calling him an asshole would be cursing. Been there. :)

Sweet T

broad minded said...

thank you sweet T! that is EXACTLY what i meant. (aren't i supposed to be the word person???)

Creative Kerfuffle said...

screw it--i just curse him and cuss him sometimes. however, it should be noted that we have totally made up and it's all warm and fuzzy again : )
CK