Wednesday, April 16, 2008

omg she's soooo cute

ok, i know, everyone says that about babies, but hell that baby niece of mine is caaaaaaaayuuuuuttee.

i went to the hospital around lunch today, after all the grandparents had been there and gone. i sat for about three hours just holding her. i got to feed her a bottle. i'm in love with her. briefly i was sad because i missed that whole experience w/ her brother. that was six years ago. when my brother and i were on the outs (because of an issue w/ my sister). anyway, i let that go because there's nothing i can do about that time.

later in the afternoon my sil's sister and her family arrived. i felt awkward, like an outsider. not because of anything anyone said or did at all, just like the odd man out or something. it's sort of the whole idea of when a boy gets married his family "loses" him because he becomes more a part of the girl's family. it's like puddin' isn't just OUR niece.

this is totally horrible to say but i feel like i'm in competition with my sil's sister as far as being the aunt. i don't know why i feel that way. worse, i totally feel like it's something my mom, with all her pettiness, would say/feel and i hate that the thought even crossed my mind. wtf is wrong with me???

anyway, holding her, smelling it took me back to when mine were that new. i am totally sure i'm forgetting the bad things, but i really, really loved being pregnant. i loved them being babies. for the last two days i've thought, oh please, just let's have one more. just one itty bitty baby. really folks, it's been consuming me.

the realistic, grownup part of me really does know and understand that this is totally impossible. both physically and in every other way. i mean really. i'm 40. aside from the fact that my tubes are tied 40 is not the best time to have a kid. we have a 3 bedroom house. and yes, i realize kids share rooms all the time but if it were a boy that would be a baby and a nine year old or a girl, baby and a 12 year old. just not good. plus there's the financial thing. we're coming out of the financial dark side and will have two college educations to prepare for.

then the hubs made a statement i hated but in thinking about it i can understand. he said our kids are just now to the point where he'd be ok if he died. no, not that he's wanting to die, but if something did happen to him at this point in life, they are not babies and he would feel at least a little more comfortable.

so we will just shower our little puddin w/ tons of love. i will try not to smother my sil and bro (cos i can feel it just under the surface. good lord just imagine me as a nana!!!)

and hey, even though they aren't babies any longer, my babies are just as totally incredible. remember the "club house" they built during spring break? here it is.

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