Saturday, January 12, 2008

can't sleep

ok, so it's like 12:40. i should go to sleep but i can't so you get two posts tonight. lucky you : )

things that trouble me:

chicken. i hate cooking chicken. if i think about it too much it really grosses me out. well, really meat of any kind, but especially chicken. the skin, the meat, it really is disgusting.

escalators. before i started this job i didn't really travel much at all. since i'm not a shopper we really don't do malls much. i never came in contact with escalators much. god, that sounds so sheltered but if you think about it, if you don't live in a big city or go to malls or airports etc. how many times a day does one ride an escalator? going up on escalators i'm fine. no problem. but going down? they freak me the hell out. i hate the really long ones. those are bad. i can't look down while i'm riding them. and, if you have an escalator that is very open, say in an atrium area like in a trade show building or a hotel, those are the worst. i pause getting on them and then try to find somewhere to rest my eyes while i'm going down. i feel like i'm falling, like i have no balance etc. and if my hands are full that makes it like ten times worse.

over instead of more than. i hate when people say over 30 something or over ten thousand etc. you hear it in commercials all the time. over 30 colors in stock blah blah blah. more than, it's more than folks.

i must be getting old because driving at night, especially in a different city makes me uneasy.

being away from home this week has made me sad. you'd think by now i'd be used to the travel and even though donut and i have been together, which has made it bearable, i'm sad not to be crawling into bed w/ the hubs tonight.

i feel like there's something bubbling inside me that i can't grasp. am i going through that midlife crisis i've heard about? i am questioning everything i do, every decision i make. i'm second guessing myself. i don't like that. i don't like this uneasy feeling i have lurking under the surface all the time now. is it just the job and the issues i'm having there? i don't know.

i think i've alluded to this before or have had conversations with some of you before about this but i always felt like eventually people are going to discover the real me and it's not going to be good. i feel like i've lucked into every job i've gotten and that i'm really not a talented writer and i really am not good at what i do. it's like i've been bluffing all along and now my bluff has been called and i don't know what to do. when i was younger and something got too hard for me i'd quit. piano lessons for example. i took them when i was in third grade. when it got to the point where it became hard i gave up. school--math got too hard for me so i gave up and settled for the c's i got in algebra two and trig. in college i feel like i took the easy road--liberal arts. that's the degree that the fucked up kids who don't know how to commit get through college. now with this job they're asking for more, expecting more from me and i'm thinking of giving up. what does that say about me?

wow, we're getting deep here tonight huh? late night posting usually works that way, all the demons come out. here's another thing. i've had babies on the brain a lot lately. like duh right because of the industry i'm in and because donut and my sil are expecting. i've jokingly said to the hubs a few times, don't you want to have another baby? and he quickly says no. of course in reality i don't want to. ok, yes, a small, deep dark corner of my heart would so love to have another baby. i loved being pregnant. i loved knowing i had a life inside me. yes it's hard work, the diapers and late nights and the entire way it changes your life but omg it's incredible. but of course our house isn't big enough for three kids and mine are more than i can handle at times. plus even if by some miracle the hubs really and truly wanted to have one and the thought stayed in my head for more than a second there would be some work to be done before we could even think about it since i had my tubes tied when the boy was born.

i think i would really benefit from seeing a therapist.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Since you loved being pregnant, would you consider finishing out mine. I am getting a little tired of it now. It's starting to slow me down a wee bit!
SIL

Anonymous said...

Therapy is a good thing. I am going to go back for a check up/check in with my therapist soon. Everybody needs a mental tune-up once in a while!

Sweet T

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Creative Kerfuffle said...

SIL--i would love to carry the baby for you : )
however, i realize, as with most things, the grass is always greener. some days i think it would be so awesome to have another baby or two and stay home, but then i realize i'd probably go crazy if i did that.