Sunday, January 6, 2008

bitch session

i've spent the better part of the weekend feeling sorry for myself and pensive. normally when i have a day like friday, the meeting from hell, i get pissed off and then get over it. i may stew for awhile but it doesn't rock my confidence like it did friday.

to top it off i missed getting to be a chaperon for the girl's fifth grade trip to williamsburg in may. i don't know if it was my fault or what. i thought i'd turned in my forms but either that was from last year or the teacher and i miscommunicated. anyway, i can't go. the girl is still going and she is a bit upset that i can't go. strike two.

2008 is the year the finances changed hands. the hubs is the new cfo. this is a good thing in many ways. for years i've been the one paying the bills, juggling the finances, stressing out every month. he was/is always more the big picture guy getting us out of trouble, finding money in a jam, etc. my procrastination has often cost us money and he is much, much better at numbers and organization than i am. so he's taken over. however, because of my procrastination and juggling a few things fell through the cracks and things are going to be tight for awhile. strike three.

work, the girl and the money. all things i screwed up with my procrastination, at least partly. work, i can't really say it's all procrastinating because i have been working on my conference off and on since i found out it was going to be in march and not june. there's just so much i can do.

i really have been sick about all of this this weekend. upset stomach, not very talkative, mostly lost in thought about work. it has really sucked actually. i'm near tears just about all the time, and no it's not pms. it just fucking sucks being me right now.

i have realized that if it weren't for the hubs i think i would quickly become my sister and/or mother. they get overwhelmed, avoid things, sleep, slip into depressions. i could totally have done all of those things this weekend if it weren't for him and the kids. god that scares me. terrifies me actually.

don't get me wrong. i know there are parts of my job that i do well. but after that meeting i just felt like i walked out of college and walked into a situation i had no clue about. and i worry that the big boss thinks this about me. the queen of evil? i don't really care anymore what she thinks of me because even last year, even when my agenda rocked she found fault.

i know i say this from time to time, but i am beginning to wonder if it's time for me to really look for a new job. i'm so not right for the job i'm in. why couldn't i have left well enough alone and stayed in my old position, even though i was practically bored to tears? true, i don't think i could work for the editor that took over after my old boss retired, but at least in that job i had already proved myself and was somewhat respected for what i did. here, god, i feel like i'm starting out all over again every year. there is no comfort zone.

the thing is, though the health insurance got worse this year and i rarely get to take all of the vacation days i have and i travel too much, it is good. i mean few jobs will let you bring your kids in to work when daycare is closed or things have gone awry. i can pretty much come and go as i please. i have a retirement account that i don't put a dime into. and, other than once or twice a year, the powers that be don't fuck with me too much. it's the conference. if i didn't have that to do i think my job would be 50% better. i think i'd rather do an extra issue each year rather than a conference, i really do.

so, it's sunday night and i'm trying to brace myself for the next two days. i have to fill two panels and get one more speaker before i leave for atlanta on wednesday. the good thing about atlanta is that donut and i will be driving down together and then rooming together while we're there.

in the midst of ALL of this shit i didn't call my bro on jan. 3 to wish him a happy birthday : ( so, if you're reading and if my fragile brain forgets to call again tomorrow, HAPPY 33rd BIRTHDAY bro. you rock and i love you.


Mrs. A. said...

I've got no good advice for the job situation, ck -- I'm pretty much unemployable and our money situation is unspeakable. I will say this -- peace of mind is more important than staying in a job you hate so maybe it IS time you looked for something else. . .if you can, that is.

I forget permission slips,appointments all the time. This year is especially bad. I took the 5 year-old to preschool on Wed. afternoon only to find the building locked. Because his school was still on Christmas break (WTF)? The kid is all weepy because he really wanted to go, some secretary sees me trying to get in & I have to go through the whole spiel of how I thought school started today blah,blah, you know, just feeling like a total idiot. And why? Because I can't get my crap together.

I hope you have at least a little fun in Atlanta -- getting away anywhere sounds appealing to me at this point.

Mrs. A

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you need to stop, take a breath and reflect. I do not think that anyone is perfect. Fault can be found with any person or any thing regardless of how beautiful. Money doesnt matter, we will always make more. While work is important, it should never reflect who we are or our self worth. The most important thing in life is to love and to be loved. The love that your family has for you is absolute, and we could care less what your title is or what your job is. The job that is most important is"mother" and both of your children adore you. Think about it, all that is truely important is also the things that noone can take from you. I wish that I was half the person,half the friend or half the parent that you are. Dont let the world get you down.

Anonymous said...

Did you apply for that job I sent you?
-Big T

guinea pig said...

listen to the hubs, he may not know his politics, but i would say he has got the family as most important thing pretty right.

i had to leave a comment, b/c not only do i understand how valuable and awesome it is to have comments now (yeah!) but to commiserate as well. i totally made a bad situation worse myself on sat. my hub had to go to his mom's and then i was supposed to meet him for lunch, but i was late b/c i ran into a store (oops!). he was not pleased and just made for a stressful, tense dang day. ugh!

but now for the positive message - you rock -- and things will get better. they always do. just embrace your inner scarlet o'hara and think about the bad stuff tomorrow, then it won't all seem so bad ;)

Creative Kerfuffle said...

thank you ALL for your support. really, it means a lot to me. i'm feeling better about things today, despite the fact that the big boss has said that my boss will host my conference instead of me. this makes no sense to me, seeing as how my boss has no clue about my industry, but i'll fight THAT battle later.