i've spent the better part of the weekend feeling sorry for myself and pensive. normally when i have a day like friday, the meeting from hell, i get pissed off and then get over it. i may stew for awhile but it doesn't rock my confidence like it did friday.
to top it off i missed getting to be a chaperon for the girl's fifth grade trip to williamsburg in may. i don't know if it was my fault or what. i thought i'd turned in my forms but either that was from last year or the teacher and i miscommunicated. anyway, i can't go. the girl is still going and she is a bit upset that i can't go. strike two.
2008 is the year the finances changed hands. the hubs is the new cfo. this is a good thing in many ways. for years i've been the one paying the bills, juggling the finances, stressing out every month. he was/is always more the big picture guy getting us out of trouble, finding money in a jam, etc. my procrastination has often cost us money and he is much, much better at numbers and organization than i am. so he's taken over. however, because of my procrastination and juggling a few things fell through the cracks and things are going to be tight for awhile. strike three.
work, the girl and the money. all things i screwed up with my procrastination, at least partly. work, i can't really say it's all procrastinating because i have been working on my conference off and on since i found out it was going to be in march and not june. there's just so much i can do.
i really have been sick about all of this this weekend. upset stomach, not very talkative, mostly lost in thought about work. it has really sucked actually. i'm near tears just about all the time, and no it's not pms. it just fucking sucks being me right now.
i have realized that if it weren't for the hubs i think i would quickly become my sister and/or mother. they get overwhelmed, avoid things, sleep, slip into depressions. i could totally have done all of those things this weekend if it weren't for him and the kids. god that scares me. terrifies me actually.
don't get me wrong. i know there are parts of my job that i do well. but after that meeting i just felt like i walked out of college and walked into a situation i had no clue about. and i worry that the big boss thinks this about me. the queen of evil? i don't really care anymore what she thinks of me because even last year, even when my agenda rocked she found fault.
i know i say this from time to time, but i am beginning to wonder if it's time for me to really look for a new job. i'm so not right for the job i'm in. why couldn't i have left well enough alone and stayed in my old position, even though i was practically bored to tears? true, i don't think i could work for the editor that took over after my old boss retired, but at least in that job i had already proved myself and was somewhat respected for what i did. here, god, i feel like i'm starting out all over again every year. there is no comfort zone.
the thing is, though the health insurance got worse this year and i rarely get to take all of the vacation days i have and i travel too much, it is good. i mean few jobs will let you bring your kids in to work when daycare is closed or things have gone awry. i can pretty much come and go as i please. i have a retirement account that i don't put a dime into. and, other than once or twice a year, the powers that be don't fuck with me too much. it's the conference. if i didn't have that to do i think my job would be 50% better. i think i'd rather do an extra issue each year rather than a conference, i really do.
so, it's sunday night and i'm trying to brace myself for the next two days. i have to fill two panels and get one more speaker before i leave for atlanta on wednesday. the good thing about atlanta is that donut and i will be driving down together and then rooming together while we're there.
in the midst of ALL of this shit i didn't call my bro on jan. 3 to wish him a happy birthday : ( so, if you're reading and if my fragile brain forgets to call again tomorrow, HAPPY 33rd BIRTHDAY bro. you rock and i love you.