10 little indians

up until today i was living in a bubble. of course i was not oblivious to what is going on in the world. i know people in my industry who have fallen on tough times, lost their jobs, made cut backs, etc. today, 10 people in our office were laid off. there were about 80 in our office (though the company itself is hellaciously huge w/ many offices all over the world). three of the 10 are very close friends of mine.

i have been through this before and while being one of the ones to lose your job makes you angry and scared and feel like throwing up, being one of the ones left makes you feel survivor guilt and incredible paranoia waiting for the other shoe to fall (because it always does) and it makes you want to throw up.

12 years ago i went through this w/ another company. it was a year long layoff process. the staff kept shrinking. we knew we were going under, yet the corporate office kept holding on. it was like cutting the gangrene out of a wound in the hopes that something would survive, but by the time they started cutting out the gangrene it was too late and everything died. we were finally down to five people in the office, i was stressed out beyond belief, and then the final axe came. i slipped into a depression that lasted for a couple of months. of course on top of that i thought god hated me and didn't want me to have a baby since we'd been trying for like five years and nothing had happened. i didn't know it at the time but i was pregnant then.

i'm not convinced i will not be laid off, not tomorrow, but before the year is out. part of me doesn't hate the thought because i am burnt out and have been dreading a layoff since last january and the last good thing about my job (my friends) is gone. i'm fairly certain i will not find a comparable job in my field here (or, at this time anywhere) and i'm not sure how qualified i am to do much else. but, as the hubs says, we will survive. we always do. i have him. i have my kids. and those things alone are what i live for. he reminds me we work to live we don't live to work. so true.

in an odd twist of fate my sister also lost her job today. she, however, is nonplussed. she'll get severance for a couple of months, then unemployment and then of course is her fall back plan, government assistance.

creative kerfuffle might not be the most fun thing to read in the days and weeks to come. i will try to snap out of this, but there are no promises. ck is my online journal, at least that's what it started as, so it has the good and the bad. if you don't want to read the bad, i understand, but i'll still have to write it. i won't blame you if you drop out of sight for awhile--there's nothing like reading doom and gloom when you've had enough of it in your own life. but i will still visit you from time to time and comment and be here, even if it's not obvious.