holding my shit together

i don't know what you see when you look at this new format. when i look at it from home the top title bar includes a sepia toned image of neuschwanstein but when i look at it from work the image isn't there. anyway, i love this image because it's beautiful and one of the great places the hubs and i visited when he was the boyfriend when we lived in germany. it's a fairytale (and the actual castle disney based his florida setup on). anyway, the new colors and the image calm me. this is a good thing.

i'm veering closely to the edge of losing my shit and trying desperately not too; trying desperately to be strong when times are tough. i typically lose my shit when times are stressful and i'm really really trying not to.

i fucked up the checkbook to the tune of a few hundred dollars. i have no idea how it did it. not paying attention, my stellar math skills, not getting all the hub's atm slips, i don't know. thankfully we have overdraft protection so they're not coming to put me in jail, but still it's a fuckup and yet another example of how i'm becoming my mother. plus it prevented me from ordering a gift for the hubs last night that was a limited time offer (digital photo frame)--i confess it was a today's special value on qvc.

i'm totally freaked out about the hubs driving by himself to ok. yes, he's done it before but #1 he's sick and stressed out (though he won't admit the stressed part) and #2 twice this week his car hasn't started.

i'm worried about the fil but have been surfing the Internet and reading that triple bypass isn't an automatic death sentence and like half a million people have it done every year; the mortality rate is like 1-5% which i think is good for such an invasive heart surgery. plus he's young (in my opinion) at 67/68ish and he quit smoking several years ago. yes, there is the family heart history but still.

second example that i'm turning into my mother--my house looks like a fucking pig sty. i am not lying. not one christmas decoration graces a surface (we've been busy/sick). the pumpkin the kids and i painted is still on the front door. i did take small solace today when a coworker told me her parents put up a christmas tree two years ago and have never taken it down. on the surface i could whip the house into viewable shape in an hour (not deep down clean, but viewable) but i have this knowledge that in every drawer, in every closet there lurks stuff that doesn't need to live here anymore and i am hording it. the boy's room--oy vey it's a hell hole. how can an 8 year old have such a pig hole of a room that he never spends time in except to sleep. i took the sheets off his bed about a month ago to wash and haven't put sheets back on the damn bed. what type of mother is THAT? there are three full bags of clothes/etc. in my bedroom floor that i need to take to goodwill. there are two other tote bags full of i don't even know what, stuff i tote to work and back, that need cleaned out. i have the bright idea to put these papers (school things, notes, you know the every day things you need to deal with) in a tote bag and i'll peek at them during lunch or something. the bag gets fuller and fuller then i stuff it in a corner of the bedroom and start a new bag. good god what's wrong with me????!!!! one thing i won't take responsibility for is the dusting. this has always been the hub's job and he too has slacked off on it.

work. eh where to start? i was sort of feeling good about the looming conference and then we had a meeting today and i felt totally inept and clueless, not only about the conference but about my industry in general. just about every other day i ask myself what the fuck i'm doing in my job. i'm not an editor, i'm a writer. i am in the wrong job. (obviously from this blog i'm good at neither.)

i'm not looking for sympathy or words or anything, i'm really not, i'm just spilling this all here cos it's exploding in my head and this has become my repository. the hubs might read this before he leaves saturday but i hope not, the last thing i want is to unload all this shit on him when he's headed into this drive this stress this worry.

i know in the big scheme of things i don't really have a lot to bitch about. i have a job. i have my family (the ones i like not the others). my health is coming back (i think the arm is even starting to feel better). my kids are wonderful. (i will post about them next time because they have done a few sweet things lately). my hubs is my soul--and makes me laugh when he tries desperately to instigate a "moment" knowing full well we've both been sick as dogs. of course i have two days left to fill up on love before he leaves for a week. i'm going to be an aunt, twice : ) the checking account--it's money, we'll make more (not as in literally print it, you know what i mean). i just need to fall back, regroup and pull it all together.