Wednesday, July 15, 2009

two faced

that's me. two faced and possibly schizophrenic or bi-polar or just plain crazy. do they even label people as just plain crazy anymore? probably not.

for the last few months i have been floating along on this cloud made of rainbows and kitty cats and chocolate thinking, isn't this nice, i'm a sahm and it's cool and life is sweet and i am happy and i can do this. that cloud crashed into a fucking brick wall and hit so hard my teeth went flying one way and my brain the other.

though we aren't quite at the end of our rope we know it is near. we have had discussions that involve trying to sell the house. we have had discussions about looking for work outside of this state--meaning, a move. these are huge things. to me they are huge things.

my good days/bad days have gone into hyper drive and turned into good hours/bad hours. i need to stop. the hubs is beside himself trying to make me feel better, but i know he has all of the same worries i do. but, i do feel better this morning compared to yesterday.

the thing i don't understand is how all of my friends who've also lost their jobs can be ok. is everyone just lying to each other? i mean i sometimes feel like i'm the only fucking one worried about finding a job and wondering if we're going to lose our house and wondering wtf we're going to do if the situation doesn't change.

my mind is such a muddled swamp right now but some how i started making this list of things i've never done. there are lots of things i've NEVER done but this list is more about things i've never done that most people (or at least a lot of people) have.

1. i have never understood the draw of fiber optic home decor.
2. i never watched the x-files
3. i've never seen all of aliens or any of the matrix movies
4. i've never been skiing or water skiing
5. i've never been on a boat on the ocean


Hotch Potchery said...

In my opinion, they are LYING. Noone without a job who needs a job is okay. I hate that you might have to sell your house or move...that is just SO big.

On your list of I nevers, I would have to drink on 4 and 5 (meaning I have done those), but not the others.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

First of all, if my husband or myself lost our job, we would be in deep shit. We have lived paycheck to paycheck ever since my breast cancer with its accompanying bills and my six months off work. That you have made it this far is amazing to me.

However, sometimes these situations can take you to a place where you will be happy you ended up. I am thinking positive thoughts for you in this reagard.

only a movie said...

Wow, I was just admiring a fiber optic lamp on the tab right before I clicked over here. Truly. (but then, I am a freak, right?)

I've been thinking good thought for you. The other half was out of work for 3 mos and it was a gift that it was that short. Even with a new job, he's putting his house on the market. It's just better for all of us that we don't have his house hanging over our heads.

I rent my house and am relieved that's the case. Teacher salary, y'know...

Suze Orman was on Oprah today and although I usually find her really annoying, she gave good advice today.

Hang in there.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't want to sound all pie in the sky, but I do think for most everybody, good things do come out of adversity. It's hard to keep positive when you're so worried, but I hope you can find focus on some things to look forward to and know that things will work out. Hang in there. I'm with ya in spirit, girlie. Muah!

Penny said...

I think you're the only sane one for freaking out,because I think that is the normal,human response to a situation like you're in.

All one can do is try and try,but I'm completely sure that someday soon,you WILL find a job,and even though it might be hard to get back on your feet,it WILL happen.

Penny said...

Dude, I ALWAYS post below the other Penny and it makes me afraid you are going to get us confused.

Anyway, I'm really sorry. I mean it, I have mentioned that my baseline is stressed and I just hate the way it feels, and I hate for other people to have to feel that way.

I hope something works out, and SOON.

Anonymous said...

Sorry things are piling up on you. I'm glad that you can admit that you're freaking out, so we can all send good vibes your way! I don't know many people that I think are truly "okay" right now. I think they just try to make everybody else think they are.

Hang in there.

Sweet T

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

I think everyone has their freakout moments, hours, days and then...time passes...and you find yoursef to be ok. You know it is always lurking in the back of your mind, but thankfully, there are always distractions to get our mind off of it and let us relax for just a bit. We still struggle with the anxiety and stress of it all. I think unless we are independently wealthy (I would even settle for completely out-of-debt) we will always struggle with it. Big hugs to you!

drollgirl said...

i don't know how people are surviving without jobs. what happens? is it all credit cards and favors?!?!? i don't know.

my brother lost his job months ago, and his wife is a stay-at-home mom. they have two kids. how do they pay the bills?!??! even if one saves money, it doesn't usually cover car payments and mortgage payments for long.

it is confusing. and i pretty much can't fucking stand my brother, so i don't really ask.