untethered

it is the third day of unemployment. the first day i did well. i was almost giddy, very optimistic, the boy even commented on the good mood i was in. that quickly fell apart yesterday.

reality set in. i.do.not.have.a.job. i looked on monster, oh sure, if i want to become a nurse or sell something i'm golden. i can't do either. srsly. when i went to college i started out thinking i'd be an ob/gyn, cos even then i loved babies that much, but quickly realized that meant blood and gross stuff and needles and i bailed and went into journalism. so, can't be a nurse. and i really can't sell stuff.

i have a feeling of uselessness. of being untethered w/ no purpose, nothing to ground me, no direction. and it makes me feel guilty and scared. the hubs really and truly could not be more awesome about the whole thing. he's understanding. he's supportive. he makes jokes and tries to make me laugh (as in he said he'd get two more jobs and i could just stay home forever in exchange for a bj every morning and sex every afternoon). he reminds me that financially we will be ok for awhile and of our options, etc.

little things are sending me off the deep end. yesterday i had lunch w/ several of my friends. one left the company a few years ago for another job; two of the others were ones laid of in jan. and one of the others still works there. i thought it would be fun, uplifting. it made it worse. they are not worried, unfathomable to me. they are not stressed, how can they not be? they lost jobs in january and haven't jumped back in. granted one is going to school, totally changing her career path and doing something she'll love (plus she has no kids and a hubs that has a good job) the other is working part time and her hubs is working and she has a little baby, but she still is not worried. well, i'm sure they worry but i don't get the carefree feeling they seemingly have.

those that were laid off before keep telling me it will take a week or so before i feel good about this.

after the lunch i came home, morose, puttering around the house because now that's my thing--i am a housewife right? (because the kids are at school) and i'm totally not knocking wah or sah moms, but being thrown into it like i have been has really taken me off guard. anyway, so then my publisher (who also got laid off) calls me and regales me w/ the numerous job offers she's already had and how many people have reached out to her etc. and i just wanted to die. (come to find out later most of what she said was highly exaggerated.)

that insecure part of me does not understand this whole thing. i know if i were a different person--one who plays the office politics and sucks up to the queen of evil--i would probably still have my job. but the insecure part keeps screaming that that's not the reason, the reason is because i didn't do a good job or i wasn't more organized or i was a horrible writer/editor or insert whatever here. if i were good why aren't people knocking on my door right away?

i was finishing up that little pity party but still wallowing when the hubs came home early from work. i don't know that he's worked a full day since this has happened. he calls me through out the day and then typically shows up around 3 to check on me. so yesterday he comes home and i'm like--yeah, i'm having a bad day.

he builds me back up, gives me a pep talk, and a hot beef injection, and i'm ok.

then we get the kids and head out to pick up some things we need. internally i am freaking out. we cannot spend money. what the hell are we doing spending money? i'm screaming this in my head. the kids needed bathing suits (they're swimming at daycare--which they will only be attending for the next few weeks since it's already paid for--then, home after school w/ me and if this stretches out, home w/ me for the summer). and they wanted to spend their allowance, etc. and we got some things to add to our veggie/fruit garden.

we'd already planted 25 strawberry plants, so we added some lettuce, a cantaloupe, a couple of tomatoes, a squash and some cilantro. we'll see how well i do at farming.

so the shopping thing sort of freaked me out. when we got home i talked to my friend big t, who was one of the ones laid of in jan. and who has been like a rock for me. she is the most amazing person, really. she reiterated a lot of what the hubs said earlier (ya know, w/out the sex though) and that too made me feel better.

i slept in this morning--the hubs got the kids up and off to school. today i'm meeting w/ a friend who might be hooking me up w/ some freelance work. i will also register for an online class---another dilemma, take creative writing or something practical like web design?---so i can start getting unemployment right away, and find my resume and the hubs and polish them up.

and? i used to laugh and scratch my head when my friends who'd been laid off talked about how busy their days were, but i'm sitting here now going omg, it's 10:30, i have to leave for my mtg at 1 and i have to get x,y and z done!