Friday, April 17, 2009

untethered

it is the third day of unemployment. the first day i did well. i was almost giddy, very optimistic, the boy even commented on the good mood i was in. that quickly fell apart yesterday.

reality set in. i.do.not.have.a.job. i looked on monster, oh sure, if i want to become a nurse or sell something i'm golden. i can't do either. srsly. when i went to college i started out thinking i'd be an ob/gyn, cos even then i loved babies that much, but quickly realized that meant blood and gross stuff and needles and i bailed and went into journalism. so, can't be a nurse. and i really can't sell stuff.

i have a feeling of uselessness. of being untethered w/ no purpose, nothing to ground me, no direction. and it makes me feel guilty and scared. the hubs really and truly could not be more awesome about the whole thing. he's understanding. he's supportive. he makes jokes and tries to make me laugh (as in he said he'd get two more jobs and i could just stay home forever in exchange for a bj every morning and sex every afternoon). he reminds me that financially we will be ok for awhile and of our options, etc.

little things are sending me off the deep end. yesterday i had lunch w/ several of my friends. one left the company a few years ago for another job; two of the others were ones laid of in jan. and one of the others still works there. i thought it would be fun, uplifting. it made it worse. they are not worried, unfathomable to me. they are not stressed, how can they not be? they lost jobs in january and haven't jumped back in. granted one is going to school, totally changing her career path and doing something she'll love (plus she has no kids and a hubs that has a good job) the other is working part time and her hubs is working and she has a little baby, but she still is not worried. well, i'm sure they worry but i don't get the carefree feeling they seemingly have.

those that were laid off before keep telling me it will take a week or so before i feel good about this.

after the lunch i came home, morose, puttering around the house because now that's my thing--i am a housewife right? (because the kids are at school) and i'm totally not knocking wah or sah moms, but being thrown into it like i have been has really taken me off guard. anyway, so then my publisher (who also got laid off) calls me and regales me w/ the numerous job offers she's already had and how many people have reached out to her etc. and i just wanted to die. (come to find out later most of what she said was highly exaggerated.)

that insecure part of me does not understand this whole thing. i know if i were a different person--one who plays the office politics and sucks up to the queen of evil--i would probably still have my job. but the insecure part keeps screaming that that's not the reason, the reason is because i didn't do a good job or i wasn't more organized or i was a horrible writer/editor or insert whatever here. if i were good why aren't people knocking on my door right away?

i was finishing up that little pity party but still wallowing when the hubs came home early from work. i don't know that he's worked a full day since this has happened. he calls me through out the day and then typically shows up around 3 to check on me. so yesterday he comes home and i'm like--yeah, i'm having a bad day.

he builds me back up, gives me a pep talk, and a hot beef injection, and i'm ok.

then we get the kids and head out to pick up some things we need. internally i am freaking out. we cannot spend money. what the hell are we doing spending money? i'm screaming this in my head. the kids needed bathing suits (they're swimming at daycare--which they will only be attending for the next few weeks since it's already paid for--then, home after school w/ me and if this stretches out, home w/ me for the summer). and they wanted to spend their allowance, etc. and we got some things to add to our veggie/fruit garden.

we'd already planted 25 strawberry plants, so we added some lettuce, a cantaloupe, a couple of tomatoes, a squash and some cilantro. we'll see how well i do at farming.

so the shopping thing sort of freaked me out. when we got home i talked to my friend big t, who was one of the ones laid of in jan. and who has been like a rock for me. she is the most amazing person, really. she reiterated a lot of what the hubs said earlier (ya know, w/out the sex though) and that too made me feel better.

i slept in this morning--the hubs got the kids up and off to school. today i'm meeting w/ a friend who might be hooking me up w/ some freelance work. i will also register for an online class---another dilemma, take creative writing or something practical like web design?---so i can start getting unemployment right away, and find my resume and the hubs and polish them up.

and? i used to laugh and scratch my head when my friends who'd been laid off talked about how busy their days were, but i'm sitting here now going omg, it's 10:30, i have to leave for my mtg at 1 and i have to get x,y and z done!

11 comments:

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm one of those people who think things happen for reasons sometimes not apparent. I think this curve in the road will end up taking you to a great place.

IB said...

It sucks; really. No getting around it.

But you're smart and talented and you've got a good guy supporting you. It could be a lot worse.

Still...

Good luck with everything
IB

Hotch Potchery said...

I hate this for you.

only a movie said...

I know this is tough, but you are being smart about things. Eventually you will find your bearings and have a routine for yourself. Hang in there. (and have a good weekend!)

Sherendipity said...

Dude, let this be new and stop fucking being a downer on yourself! (this is tough love, can you tell?)
Everything happens for a reason, and it may take a while for this reasoning to surface, but it will happen and you'll be okay.
('cause you're awesome)
Want me to send you back some of our emails where you said that you were frustrated with your career and wanted something different? *wink* Hell, maybe getting pushed into something is the best way to start fresh.
How about focusing on the little "venture" we talked about a while back, to get your mind off of the short term "shitty feeling" and get you feeling good about something again?
Screw it, I need a vacation....I'll come and visit and you can entertain me. It's not like you have anything better to do. =P
(love you, too!)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could make you feel better. I hope lots of good things come your way.xoxo tracy

drollgirl said...

ugh. this is hard. i think it helps to keep busy. i was laid off years ago and i was so ashamed and felt like such a loser, even tho it wasn't my fault that the business was being mismanaged and was out of money. it just sucks being the one they decide to get rid of, no matter how hard you worked and how much you gave. ugh.
not sure if this will work for you, but i tried to structure my days. up by 8:30 on weekdays, no later. job search until 12:30. lunch and then some comedy central (back when they played kids in the hall -- YAY!) and then a nap. and then i could do anything i wanted as long as i wasn't spending money. it took a while to land a job, but i did within a couple of months. i bet you will too, and much faster than me.

you are such a good writer, and someone is going to want to hire you. soon! and taking a class is a good idea. that might help a lot in the meantime. :)

creative kerfuffle said...

pseudo--i think you're right. sometimes, at least at first, it's just hard to see that things happen for a reason. i'll get there though.

ib--yes, it could always be a lot worse. i know this. i know i'm actually pretty lucky compared to a lot of people.

hotch--it will get better.

only--i do think getting a routine would be helpful.

shere--i LOVE tough love ; ) and i do know how burnt out i'd become and how much i loathed that place. and i know i just need to put on my big girl panties and get on with it. i might do the web thing i talked to you about, but first i'm going to do some freelance writing and maybe clean my house and read a book : ) so please come visit me. and bring me some damn canadian bacon ; )

tracy--thanks. i mean it.

drollgirl--i think you nailed it--i do need a routine and a plan. lounging around in my pjs isn't going to work. thanks for the kick in the pants : )

Astarte said...

Yeah, you'd be surprised at how busy those of us whose kids are in school really are during the day! Look at it this way - this is your chance to go into the school, enjoy some time on your own figuring out what to do, or maybe get some things in the house done that have been bothering you, etc. In fact, would it really be financially worthwhile for you to work over the summer, what with paying for fulltime daycare for all the kids?

It takes a little getting used to, but once you get into a rhythm, it's not so bad. In fact, after I got laid off a few years ago, once I was used to it, I actually loved thinking about how many poor saps were still there, being treated like shit, while I was at home with my kids (also being treated occasionally like shit, now that I come to think of it). :)

Penny said...

I know I'm a few days late with this,but I am with you on this one.If I were to lose my job right now,I would seriously go into some kind of depression,because we live in a very small town,where good (and well-paying) jobs are VERY scarce,and I can't move away,so it would be a disaster.

I hope the freelance work will come to fruition,and that you will be able to be more than positive about yourself and your abilities!

broad minded said...

sorry the lunch was a downer for you.

first, everybody handles things differently, so you can't stress about that.

second, the others have had much longer to adjust and that does make a difference. come back and read this post in three months and see if i am not right (and as I tell the step spawn, i am almost ALWAYS right).

third, sometimes that whole "fake it till you make it" thing really can help you through. trust me, i panic plenty, but i also know that so much is out of my control and panicking isn't going to change that. so i control what i can, which for me is just not freaking too much. everything will work out, you won't end up living i a box on the side of the road. you are not alone in this.

focus on that. (imagine me using my best mom, just-do-it voice when you read that.)