Monday, April 6, 2009

quiet

i haven't been online much lately. not posting, not reading posts. it's easier to play spider solitaire. it is mindless and repetitive and requires little from me.

looking at the calendar today it seems impossible that in the span of three weeks we have had such loss. how can that be? i can go for a day or so and be ok and then i become numb or emotional.

yesterday the hubs' sister flew in and later in the day they started their drive to florida for their brother's funeral service. stretching it out until a week afterwards is harsh. for at least a few days last week it seemed like it was just a bad dream. the initial news shocks you. then a week of waiting lulls you into thinking it was a bad dream. them leaving yesterday for this journey made it real again.

we decided i should stay home w/ the kids. they don't need to go through this again. already they are aware of everything.

i had an epic mom fail moment thursday night. the kids were on spring break so thursday during the day we organized their rooms and new desks and thursday night we went to the movies. everyone wanted to see knowing, w/ nick cage. the previews seemed ok, even though it was pg-13. epic.fail. here's a spoiler for any of you going to see it--there are creepy parts, eery kind of scary for kids (the boy watched from behind his hand in a few scenes). the plot? yeah--the end of the world as we know it brought to us by some solar flare from the sun. yeah---not the best movie for us to see, especially right now.

friday i took the kids to the science museum, cos they wanted to go. an hour into it they decided they have outgrown it. it made me sad. we also went to the library and got ice cream. friday night we had my mom over for dinner.

saturday we worked in the yard and went to the park. i also displayed my cosmic lack of coordination. we were in the garage and i picked up one of the kids' scooters, just to noodle around. i wasn't on it five seconds before the hubs said, please don't do that, you're going to hurt.....wipe out. the scooter flew out from underneath me, i hit the cement floor. i have bruises all over my legs and i jarred my shoulder. just call me grace. i'm still sore and feel so very old.

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i made a comment to the hubs that the tmi results so far are embarrassing. he said i should feel free to say that despite the lack of increasing numbers the numbers that are there were awesome and that even after 17 yrs and the fact that he's 43 it rocked. i paraphrased for him.

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the differences in my children. the girl was in the garage w/ the hubs and i when i took the scooter spill. she laughed and made fun of me. when the boy heard about my fall he immediately asked if i was ok.

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i can't remember when he started this, but one of the things the hubs always says is i'm glad you're my girl (or boy) depending on if he's talking to me, the girl or the boy. this morning as the boy and i were getting ready to leave to take him to school he said, i'm glad you're my mom.

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how. i am beginning to hate that word. i feel like i've written this before. i know people don't know what to say, but the pat--how are you doing? it's driving me crazy. i want to scream. we are doing fine. on the surface. we will survive. we will go on. but, it is hard. it is hard to get up and send the kids to school and go to work instead of just all being home together doing something or doing nothing. there doesn't seem to be much of a point to anything else.

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it is hard to grasp that the world doesn't stop when you are grieving.

9 comments:

Kristin.... said...

We share a middle name! Grace was always something my mother said I lacked. I STILL lack it.

I don't have any advice. But you know you can email me. :)

Hotch Potchery said...

I am gladd you guys got to spend some time together.

One time I will tell you the story of how I let my TEN year old convince me that Scream, "was not that bad". EPIC. fail.

only a movie said...

Don't beat yourself up about the movie, although I know how you feel.

But you did get to do some cool family stuff.

Hang in there. Wish I could say something more supportive.

drollgirl said...

shit shit shit. i wish there was something to make it all better. you are going through so much. it is awful and i feel for you, but i know that doesn't change anything.

crystal said...

Your boy sounds like such a sweetheart! I applaud your mad parenting skillz - cuz it's hard to raise nice guys! The girl - I bet she's a sweetheart too, she'll remember she is when she's about 20 :) (at least that's about the time I stopped being a jerk to my mom)

Ali said...

Those moments, when your kids say something so gorgeous make all the crap that comes with parenting worth it,

Anonymous said...

Steamboat cried when I tried to let him watch The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown so I think he'll be allowed to watch PG-13 movies when he is 21.

I hope you guys get some peace soon.

tracy

Anonymous said...

I think your kids may look back on the movie thing and think it's cool that you took them.

Sorry things suck. Hope it eases up soon.

Sweet T

Astarte said...

I agree. How can things continue, people walking their dogs, laughing at the library, going shopping, when something so cataclysmic has happened? It's so other-izing.