i may have mentioned before that i do not like my mother. yes, of course i love her and respect the fact that she gave birth to me and fed and clothed me for about 19 years, but in general, if i met her as a stranger i would not be her friend.
i have my reasons that only a therapist might be able to decipher, but suffice it to say that she is a self-centered, manipulating, whining person.
my dilemma is mother's day. the day you are supposed to honor your mom and show her just how much she's meant to you and how much you love her. i just don't think putting a flaming bag of shit on her doorstep is acceptable. plus my wussy-self wouldn't really allow me to do that.
instead i will search in vain for a card that does not say i'm so glad you're my mom and thank you for all the sacrifices you made, for all the love you gave, for being my friend yadda yadda yadda. i could puke. here's a card: happy mother's day. bleh.
the thing is, i feel incredibly guilty about the way i feel. like i hate that i feel this way but i don't know how not to feel this way. and i don't want to work on a relationship with her that would involve me spending more time with her.
plus, now that i'm a mom it's my day too and i don't really feel like spending any part of my day with her. and i won't and we haven't for several years now.
one of my ultimate goals in life is to have my kids feel exactly opposite about me when they grow up. right now mother's day is different--i mean my kids aren't yet to the point where they actually plan ahead or think about mother's day (or father's day). right now it's still a day where the spouse is the one who honors you for being such a kick ass parent. i just want, when the time has come, for my kids to WANT to honor me on mother's day. does that make any sense?