a post

i miss posting but i really don't even know how to untangle all of the thoughts in my head well enough to post them. not that my posts typically have a lot of rhyme or reason to them and are mostly just ramblings anyway.

i'm all over the map. every once in awhile during the day i feel warm and suspect goodness is trying to creep in. it's usually when i'm thinking about the kids or the hubs or my friends. i'm incredibly happy to know that one of my dear sweet friends, sweet t, got engaged a few days ago. she deserves happiness and i think she's finally found it. we went to ikea this weekend and at least for a little while i could pretend things were normal. my niece, omg, i can't tell you the cheesy baby love i feel when she sees me and reaches for me.

for the most part though i go from being angry at the family drama this has stirred up and feeling helpless because i can't make this better, i can't take this pain away from the hubs. are all families fucked in the head when someone dies? i understand there is grief and everyone handles that differently but omg are there not any normal people left in the world?

i'm on deadline at work and there are so many different things i need to concentrate on but i really don't feel like....actually the better word is i can't, concentrate for too long.

i am tired of thanking people for their condolences. i am tired of people asking how we're doing. i know people mean well and when someone dies you really don't know what to say--i totally get that because i am the same way. but sometimes i just want to scream--how the hell do you think he's doing? his brother just died for god's sake. i am not good at small chit chat right now either. the normal workaday conversations people have, hi, how are you (like i'm going to say, you know, it's been a rough month my grandma died and my 45 yr old bil just died, how the fuck are YOU?) crappy weather we're having, did you see that email...blah blah blah. it's noise.

saturday when we went to ikea my bro and his family went too. my nephew gameboy rode w/ us and the girl rode w/ my bro, sil and puddin. it was funny to have a different kid in the car w/ us. there was a different voice and different chatter. they tried talking sports for awhile. that was amusing, seeing as how my poor son lives w/ people who don't watch sports. then we talked music. my kids are very in to music of all kinds. i asked gameboy what kind of music they listen to in the car. he said country, he said it like he doesn't like country. he also told me my sil drives fast : ) he he he we gave him a musical education of neil diamond, maroon 5 and 80s music. we were in the hubs car so i didn't have my rod cd. some day i will introduce gameboy to the sound of rod. but, to be honest, though my kids like most of what i listen to they don't really like rod. their loss.

one thing all of this has really made me think about is what i want my final plans to be. i mean i've blogged about it, but i seriously think the hubs and i both need to write this shit down so it's in print and people will know. no cremation. no sibs we aren't even close to speaking at our funeral. no parents trying to make it all about them. no fucking drama.

and, perhaps in a few days i will get back on that contest wagon and come up w/ something and send out prizes and stuff.

also--in this state i'm in it is hard for me to be empathetic towards people. i normally pride myself on that but right now i can't feel for anyone else. it's mean to say, but nothing else seems as bad as death.