Tuesday, March 31, 2009

a post

i miss posting but i really don't even know how to untangle all of the thoughts in my head well enough to post them. not that my posts typically have a lot of rhyme or reason to them and are mostly just ramblings anyway.

i'm all over the map. every once in awhile during the day i feel warm and suspect goodness is trying to creep in. it's usually when i'm thinking about the kids or the hubs or my friends. i'm incredibly happy to know that one of my dear sweet friends, sweet t, got engaged a few days ago. she deserves happiness and i think she's finally found it. we went to ikea this weekend and at least for a little while i could pretend things were normal. my niece, omg, i can't tell you the cheesy baby love i feel when she sees me and reaches for me.

for the most part though i go from being angry at the family drama this has stirred up and feeling helpless because i can't make this better, i can't take this pain away from the hubs. are all families fucked in the head when someone dies? i understand there is grief and everyone handles that differently but omg are there not any normal people left in the world?

i'm on deadline at work and there are so many different things i need to concentrate on but i really don't feel like....actually the better word is i can't, concentrate for too long.

i am tired of thanking people for their condolences. i am tired of people asking how we're doing. i know people mean well and when someone dies you really don't know what to say--i totally get that because i am the same way. but sometimes i just want to scream--how the hell do you think he's doing? his brother just died for god's sake. i am not good at small chit chat right now either. the normal workaday conversations people have, hi, how are you (like i'm going to say, you know, it's been a rough month my grandma died and my 45 yr old bil just died, how the fuck are YOU?) crappy weather we're having, did you see that email...blah blah blah. it's noise.

saturday when we went to ikea my bro and his family went too. my nephew gameboy rode w/ us and the girl rode w/ my bro, sil and puddin. it was funny to have a different kid in the car w/ us. there was a different voice and different chatter. they tried talking sports for awhile. that was amusing, seeing as how my poor son lives w/ people who don't watch sports. then we talked music. my kids are very in to music of all kinds. i asked gameboy what kind of music they listen to in the car. he said country, he said it like he doesn't like country. he also told me my sil drives fast : ) he he he we gave him a musical education of neil diamond, maroon 5 and 80s music. we were in the hubs car so i didn't have my rod cd. some day i will introduce gameboy to the sound of rod. but, to be honest, though my kids like most of what i listen to they don't really like rod. their loss.

one thing all of this has really made me think about is what i want my final plans to be. i mean i've blogged about it, but i seriously think the hubs and i both need to write this shit down so it's in print and people will know. no cremation. no sibs we aren't even close to speaking at our funeral. no parents trying to make it all about them. no fucking drama.

and, perhaps in a few days i will get back on that contest wagon and come up w/ something and send out prizes and stuff.

also--in this state i'm in it is hard for me to be empathetic towards people. i normally pride myself on that but right now i can't feel for anyone else. it's mean to say, but nothing else seems as bad as death.

9 comments:

Hotch Potchery said...

What a craptastic month you are having. I won't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through it. I will ask you what you got at IKEA.

Anonymous said...

Love you!

Sweet T

Kristin.... said...

I sold my other house today. Can I say woohoo here? Did I make you smile by saying woohoo? I want to make you smile.
And it freaks me out every time I click over to your blog b/c it isn't green anymore. How lame am I?
email me if you want to chat. or spew forth insanity. I'm here.

only a movie said...

xxxxoooo Ack.
Hoping for some sun shining your way. And you are a better woman than I for braving IKEA. That place makes me kooky. Hope you got good stuff.

Astarte said...

I'm just catching up on your posts. here I've been bitching about my mother, and you've been going through This!!!!! I'm really, really sorry all of this has landed on your family.

broad minded said...

you are right, not much else is as bad as death. you got us beat there.

but ikea was cool. crazy seeing you there! i bought spawn stuff/toys and kitchen stuff - serving platters. i wanted to boy spawn bedroom furniture, but we aren't to that point yet.

and with any luck - your parents won't be around when you kick to interfere with your funeral. now THAT is looking on the bright side . . .

Penny said...

If there's one thing I despise,it's when I answer the phone,and the person calling asks "How are you?" and I say something generic like "Fine" and then,without me asking them,they reply "Oh,it's going well here too."Like I asked them!I never ask people that,because I hate being asked it.Since my dad died,I've gotten into the habit of answering that question completely honestly.If they wana ask,they gotta take the shitty answer that they get.

drollgirl said...

i like your idea of making the rules for your funeral, including arrangements, location, guest list (and music, i bet!). brilliant. the final word will be YOURS.

Gal Friday said...

Well..there IS nothing worse than death, and it doesn't seem strange that right now you are not feeling all empathetic and lovey-dovery with everyone. It'll pass eventually. When I went througb a loss a number of years ago, I was downright mean and ornery at the whole world for a year at least.
At least you are writing down your "tangled" thoughts about all this--some people just keep it all bottlked in or deny it.