Tuesday, March 31, 2009

band of merry commenters

i'm being lazy and commenting on my comments in a post. it's sort of like blog masturbation huh?

hotch--srsly you made me laugh out loud and heart you for saying you weren't going to say anything nice and instead ask what we got at ikea. we bought the kids desks and chairs at ikea--like $34 desks and $36 swivel chairs (one in hot pink and one in red). i will post pics of these but not today because omg their rooms literally look like the weapons of mass destruction were hidden in there and the fbi and cia had a field day trashing the rooms to find them. and, i must have a lame stat widget because i don't think it tells me what search phrases bring people to my blog. that i would be curious about. what do you use for your stats???

only a movie--i love your description of band of merry commenters. that's a great phrase and so true. and my fondness for ikea is actually so very out of character for me. i normally hate shopping and i especially hate crowded shopping, which ikea totally is. i think one reason the store appeals to me is because in my line of work (which has been writing about retailers for the last 10+ years) i am in awe of their business model and how different it is from any other mass store. i like a lot of the product design, even though it pisses me off that it's a swedish company and so much of the stuff is not even made in sweden. i also like the prices but realize that a $34 desk is not going to be an heirloom.

ib--i get what you're saying about writing and wanting to connect to people. you are a better writer than i am. i can see where your posts would draw in a lot of people, even if they don't all comment. i've been surprised at just how many great blog writers there are out there, and while i enjoy reading them i don't always connect to all of them on a personal level, even though i can appreciate and envy their skill. i think if my blog were different, if it weren't more of an online journal, i would be more concerned about followers.

astarte--you are so right--it is like having online friends instead of posters. i guess that's the whole point of what i was trying to say. when i first started writing my blog i was concerned w/ the numbers but now i feel a need, even if i'm not posting myself, to read my blog friends and see what's going on with them. and dude---you TOTALLY deserve to bitch about your mother. you had a stressful weekend.

sweet t--i love you too and am very happy for you : ) i've been meaning to email your republican to congratulate him too : )

kristin--OMG! i'm soooo glad you finally sold the house! i know that's been a huge albatross around your neck. that's awesomesauce. and yes, i did smile thank you : ) so, are you saying you don't like the chocolate and blue or you're just opposed to change? i'm sure in a few months i'll see someone elses blog that looks cool and i'll have to change mine again.

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question---do any of you play practical jokes on people (specifically your kids) on april fool's day? i need some killer pranks to play on mine. ooooo--that's IT! whoever shares the practical joke that i end up using will get a gifty. this won't count as part of the other thing because that wouldn't be fair. this is just an extra contest.

numbers

i have been blogging since july 7, 2005 and i have posted 897 times. since october 7, 2005 i have had 11, 728 visitors.

i used to compulsively check my stats. i don't think i've done that in more than a year. i used to worry about how many readers and commenters i had. i don't so much any more. i used to wish for tons of comments and frequently whined about it. i don't so much any more because i feel like, for the most part, i've really connected w/ my commenters--not just because they comment but because i feel invested in my friendship w/ them, if that makes any sense.

i see blogs with a million more readers/commenters than i have and i wonder how in the world they actually connect w/ all of those people. or do they? how can you REALLY connect w/ that many people?

a post

i miss posting but i really don't even know how to untangle all of the thoughts in my head well enough to post them. not that my posts typically have a lot of rhyme or reason to them and are mostly just ramblings anyway.

i'm all over the map. every once in awhile during the day i feel warm and suspect goodness is trying to creep in. it's usually when i'm thinking about the kids or the hubs or my friends. i'm incredibly happy to know that one of my dear sweet friends, sweet t, got engaged a few days ago. she deserves happiness and i think she's finally found it. we went to ikea this weekend and at least for a little while i could pretend things were normal. my niece, omg, i can't tell you the cheesy baby love i feel when she sees me and reaches for me.

for the most part though i go from being angry at the family drama this has stirred up and feeling helpless because i can't make this better, i can't take this pain away from the hubs. are all families fucked in the head when someone dies? i understand there is grief and everyone handles that differently but omg are there not any normal people left in the world?

i'm on deadline at work and there are so many different things i need to concentrate on but i really don't feel like....actually the better word is i can't, concentrate for too long.

i am tired of thanking people for their condolences. i am tired of people asking how we're doing. i know people mean well and when someone dies you really don't know what to say--i totally get that because i am the same way. but sometimes i just want to scream--how the hell do you think he's doing? his brother just died for god's sake. i am not good at small chit chat right now either. the normal workaday conversations people have, hi, how are you (like i'm going to say, you know, it's been a rough month my grandma died and my 45 yr old bil just died, how the fuck are YOU?) crappy weather we're having, did you see that email...blah blah blah. it's noise.

saturday when we went to ikea my bro and his family went too. my nephew gameboy rode w/ us and the girl rode w/ my bro, sil and puddin. it was funny to have a different kid in the car w/ us. there was a different voice and different chatter. they tried talking sports for awhile. that was amusing, seeing as how my poor son lives w/ people who don't watch sports. then we talked music. my kids are very in to music of all kinds. i asked gameboy what kind of music they listen to in the car. he said country, he said it like he doesn't like country. he also told me my sil drives fast : ) he he he we gave him a musical education of neil diamond, maroon 5 and 80s music. we were in the hubs car so i didn't have my rod cd. some day i will introduce gameboy to the sound of rod. but, to be honest, though my kids like most of what i listen to they don't really like rod. their loss.

one thing all of this has really made me think about is what i want my final plans to be. i mean i've blogged about it, but i seriously think the hubs and i both need to write this shit down so it's in print and people will know. no cremation. no sibs we aren't even close to speaking at our funeral. no parents trying to make it all about them. no fucking drama.

and, perhaps in a few days i will get back on that contest wagon and come up w/ something and send out prizes and stuff.

also--in this state i'm in it is hard for me to be empathetic towards people. i normally pride myself on that but right now i can't feel for anyone else. it's mean to say, but nothing else seems as bad as death.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

death

it seems like such a soft word for such a hard, harsh reality. and even in reality it's hard to grasp it, hard to comprehend the real-ness of it. we are surrounded by it. you can't watch tv or listen to the radio for one day w/out hearing about someone dying and we've become so used to it that it's almost like white noise. we've come to accept it because while we all know we all will die thinking about what that actually means is too much to handle.

it's like a far away thing. yes, it will happen to me, but not today. i am young, i am healthy. it will happen when i'm tired and old and possibly sick and possibly can't remember my children's names. regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs, this life we are living now is the only thing we know for certain. it is the only tangible thing we have.

it is hard to even begin to imagine not being alive. not being with my husband. not watching my children grow up and marry and have children of their own.

some deaths are easier to deal with or accept, not that they are easy by any means. and even when you can accept them they still confound you because that is it. there is nothing else. there are no more phone calls or stories or anything. just nothingness.

yesterday i was having lunch w/ my friend broad and the hubs called. his brother, his 45 year old brother died. they live in florida so it is far away and not in your face and it is hard to grasp and unimaginable to realize that his two sons, who are close in age to both of my kids, went to school yesterday and came home to no father. how does that work? how can that be?

this is the bil the hubs went to visit last summer. he had been having health issues, serious issues off and on for a couple of years. he was on dialysis and waiting on a kidney transplant. he was at dialysis yesterday and his blood pressure dropped too low too fast and they couldn't fix it. how can they not fix it? they are doctors for god's sake. how do you call a woman and tell her her husband has just died during his dialysis treatment? how do you pick your kids up from school to tell them their dad died? how?

we had planned to go there for 4th of july this summer, like the hubs did last summer. his brother was looking forward to it.

he will be cremated. i have come to fucking hate cremations. there is no closure. there is no goodbye.

and though i keep pushing the thoughts off into that locked closet in the far corner of that dark, wet basement in my brain i know it's still there. that thought that but for a stroke of.....i don't even know what, it could have been me getting that phone call yesterday. it could have been me that had to pick up my kids and tell them.

and then i think what the fuck are we doing? why are we here? why do we work jobs we don't love? why do we deal with things we don't want to deal with when we don't know how much time we have? why are we even bothering? what is the fucking point?

Friday, March 27, 2009

you could be a wiener

i want to do a contest so i can send out a prize but i have no idea what kind of contest to have so, i will have a two-part contest : )

first--enter your ideas for a cool contest. i'll pick a winner from that (who will get a little gifty).

second--i will run that contest and someone else will get a little gifty.

put on your thinking caps and send me contest ideas by sunday night. i'll pick the winner then and we'll take it from there.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

hater

lost. i watch it. i am watching it. i am a fan.

wtf is sawyer doing to sayid? srsly???? has sawyer gone off the deep end? he drank the darma kool aide and now i think i will have to unfriend him. he and sayid were tied for my lost lust but this is not cool, him letting them torture sayid.

and dude--the torturer is larry of the brothers larry darrell and darrell fame? foshizzle.

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the four of us got hair cuts this evening. the girl's hair, which has been long, straight, non-bangs forever got a super cute cut; the boy and hubs got great cuts and mine. i have bangs. i have not had bangs for a very long time. i can't even remember when. i'm not sure if i like it or not.

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fb---hating it. i don't even know how to tell you how much i hate it and yet i'm doing it. how's that for stupidity? one thing that pisses me off is a co-worker who is twittering and facebooking and it is so obvious that his posts are pre-programmed and now my facebook wall is full of all of his work crap.

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the boy announced to us tonight who he is going to marry and that their wedding cake will be vanilla, chocolate, vanilla, chocolate, etc. he is nine.

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despite the pms, despite the fact that tomorrow it will be two weeks since my gma died, despite the fact that i'm burnt out and tired of work, i am happy. much of my happiness comes from the hubs. srsly. he gets me and completes me more and more each day. sometimes i just want to crawl inside him.

the signs are all there

i am deadly tired. like, falling asleep on the couch by 9p.m. tired (which, btw, influences the tmi chart over there). when i get this tired it is like narcolepsy.

i want to eat all the time. and i want something sweet to eat. a giant cinnamon roll and a pan full of double chocolate brownies would be good for starters.

i do not want to be wallered (shut up, it is so a word). the girl was snuggling w/ me on the couch last night, which i love, love love, but she kept wallering around and touching me and i just wanted to make it stop. sit by me and lean on me, put your arm around me, hug me, but stop the damn moving around/fidgeting/wallering for god's sake!

i am highly irritated at fuck ups at work today. why is it that people i have no fucking control over do not understand the fucking concept of what a fucking deadline is?? and if you tell me the best way to reach you is via email and then you do not respond i want to kill you.

if that guy in the corner doesn't get off of his phone (it's been glued to his ear and he's been talking since 8fucking30 this morning) i am going to grab the receiver and jam it up his stupid ass. i really do not like this guy. he is a douche canoe and a twat waffle all in one. and the guy sitting catty corner to me? blowing his fucking nose wayyyyyy too loudly.

i also want to kill whoever invented twitter. we twitter for work. it is bullshit. i would tell you my work twitter address but then you might follow me and i'd have to kill you.

tomorrow i am quite sure i will have nothing in my closet that i want to wear. why? because the clothes would be touching my body.

i fucking hate pms.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

fruity fun

here's some fruity fun for all my peeps who are in a funk as of late, you know who you are.




flasher

Monday, March 23, 2009

things i want

omfg tote

squirrel underpants

diagnose your neurosis wheel o wisdom


graphite smencils (they're scented)



dieting with jesus magnets




bubble gum cocktail wienies



bacon bandages



ugly little bitch lip balm



go intercourse yourself lip balm
all for sale at perpetualkids.com (my birthday's in august in case you were wondering)








vamping it up


the twilight movie came out on dvd this weekend. the girl was desperate, desperate i tell you, to get this movie as soon as humanly possible. she was convinced it would be sold out.
we got a copy ($17) at tarjay saturday and i watched it w/ her. after reading the four books i had decided, much to her chagrin, that i was team jacob while she was vehemently team edward. when the movie came out in november we saw it in the theater and of course i thought robert (edward) was hot, but based on the books i liked jacob better.
however--omg, he IS hot. not johnny depp hot (cos, ya know, that would be impossible) but he's still a nice piece of eye candy.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

tracking

at some point i will get my ass in gear like many of my friends, both here and in person, and commit to being healthy. hotch and bea have these cool applications on their blogs that chronicle their workout success.

since i don't workout--yet--i have decided to have a tmi chronicle instead. ha. : )

sorry folks, the brain is working weirdly these days and i'm trying to get myself back into the grove. i am not overly sad. but i also am not overly happy though in my soul i am content and peaceful and thankful. on the surface i think i'm just acting like a zombie and going through the motions.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

i'm a copycat

astarte redid her book blog, literally booked, and i loved it so much i had to redo my blog because i'm a lemming like that. i love reading her regular blog, muddled sage, but she also does another great blog that's an online reading group. so if you like reading you should visit her at literally booked and join in the fun.



while i'm at it i have to give a shout out to bea at this wonderful, crazy life for two reasons. she's been doing these mr. pickles posts that crack me the hell up. go, look at them. i'll wait. ::::twirling hair, tapping my foot:::: see? aren't they hysterical? omg she really deserves high props for those posts because they are so clever and fun. the second reason bea deserves props is because she's a baking fool and makes the most tasty looking and sounding treats ever. srsly, bea, open an online bakery already : )



while i'm linkin' like a fool here are a few other blogs i've stumbled upon----

dlisted---snarky celeb stuff

fuck you, penguin----cute animals, wit, sarcasm, cussing, what's not to love

berkeley breathed---my comic hero and the reason i started loving penguins

this is why you're fat (i think i originally saw these at sherendipity's place a while back)

Friday, March 20, 2009

and now it's time for a little levity

yes, count me in as one of the 100,000
video
Cougar Barbie
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative: ***i'm just including the ones i really liked
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Thursday, March 19, 2009

when all is said and done...

....you just get put back in the ground.

i am better now, i think. it has been a strange week for me. i don't really know how to write all the things in my head, the thoughts, emotions, etc.

going to wv this week had so many layers of sadness. as an army brat we never lived in one place for more than 3 yrs at a time and in fact the hubs and i have now lived in nc longer than i've ever lived anywhere in my life. during the car ride up or back, i can't remember which it was, one of the kids asked if they were west virginians. we said no, they were born in nc and have only ever lived in nc so they're north carolinians. the girl decided that the hubs is a japkansian (since he was born on an army base in japan but his family roots are in arkansas). the hubs said at this point we could just say we were from nc. nope, i'm from wv, regardless. i only lived there off and on as a child, a year here, six months there and then my 4 yrs of college, but there is something primal that speaks to me when i go home. maybe it's the childhood memories, maybe it's the mountains, maybe it's the family history, i don't know. but i feel strongly about it. i've always joked that when you drive through the tunnel between virginia and west virginia they should pipe in john denver's country roads. of course they haven't, but this trip i did pop in the cd and play it (shut up, yes i have a john denver cd). it made me cry.

i had a few thoughts on perceptions while i was there too. monday afternoon my brother and i drove by the house my grandma lived in before she moved to nc. the house we knew as kids. the only house she and my grandpa lived in, where they raised their kids, etc. i remember it so differently, so much bigger. the yard seemed the size of a postage stamp this time, the neighborhood old and falling on hard times. they'd cut down big trees and it was just sad. we also drove by my other grandparent's house, it too seemed smaller, less significant. though i've been to wv off and on in the last 10 yrs it had been a long time since i'd seen the town, the places of my childhood and how much things had changed. that made me sad. these landmarks of my history--the skating rink, the neighborhoods, the elementary school i went to off and on, the new neighborhoods and all the retail and all of that change made me sad. it reminded me of that saying, you can never go home again. mainly because everything changes.

the other thing that struck me is how people in the same family have such different memories. for me, the death of my other grandma was a huge, huge thing. she died 10 years ago. when i was talking to a couple of my cousins about this it didn't seem to be as big a deal to them. granted, they were 18/19 and 14 at the time as opposed to my 30, but still. their perception of that event was so different from mine. not to say that they didn't mourn for her or love her or miss her now, but i don't think the impact was as severe.

i also felt older this trip. i am the oldest grandchild (on both sides of my family) by a good 5-6 yrs. i only see my first cousins and their families at weddings/funerals so it was surprising to me to realize how old their children were and to see one of my younger cousins, who is now 24, but whom i babysat when i was in college and he was a toddler. he has a beard for god's sake and quite possibly will get married soon.

the funeral. i hated it. before this i was on the fence about whether i'd be cremated or not. i will not. walking in to that tiny chapel and seeing a tiny gold box on a table was not what i expected. it wasn't enough for me. i need the viewing and the drive to the cemetery and whatever else normally goes w/ funerals. this was short and not enough. my brother read the eulogy i wrote; he did a great job. afterwards so many people told us both what a good job we did. i know they meant well, but it felt weird. i kept thinking, please god, do not let any of my other family members get the bright idea to have me write their eulogies when the time comes. i just don't think i could do it.

there wasn't a big family get together. well, there was a lunch at my great uncle's after the service, but i didn't know many of the people there. my dad's extended family is not what i would call close. i have vague memories of one of my great uncles from my childhood, but the other one i think i'd probably seen once before.

so, we're home. i think my aunt and uncle want to clean out my grandma's rooms as soon as possible. i don't know how well that will go. it will be hard. i also don't know what this will bring for my family going forward. i fear there will be some blow out at some point, although i really don't care to be involved in whatever happens. i think my aunt and uncle won't have much to do w/ my folks going forward.

part of me also feels a need to nail down where and how i want to be buried. the hubs has been wanting to do this for years and i just didn't want to think about it. i think i'm ready to make these plans now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

i have no title

i got out of my pajamas yesterday long enough to take the girl out yarn shopping. she is now crocheting a blanket.

the hubs is eyeballing a $150 coffee maker on qvc.

it has been raining here since friday. the yard is flooded. we might have to build an ark.

i haven't been on facebook in several days. it seems like too much of a shiny happy place to announce my grandma is dead.

we are leaving for wv in the morning. we are the last to go. my sister and her family left friday; my parents left yesterday after they delivered my grandma's remains to my aunt's house. my aunt and uncle and the remains are leaving today as are my bro and his family.

we have not all gotten together as a family yet. i find this odd. i have never been through a death were there was a cremation. there will be no viewing, obviously. since we will all be staying in different places in wv i assume there will be no all family get together. i find this odd.

when the hubs' mom died most all of the family stayed together at his aunt's house. while it was a devastating time, it also was comforting, to me at least, to all be together. sharing stories of his mom; sharing in our grief.

today i've made homemade scalloped potatoes and some bread pudding (i got the idea from bea). we'll see how comforting they are.

the hubs has been incredible during this whole thing. supportive, comforting. i don't even want to think of what life would be without him.

i may or may not be able to blog over the next few days. i did try to make it around to all of your blogs today and read/comment. you have all been so incredibly wonderful. thank you. and thank you to my sweet friend trish who called me and talked for a long time without being nice and comforting : )

for whatever reason i find that, the words people say to you to make you feel better, very hard to hear face to face.

Friday, March 13, 2009

unravelling

first, thank you all for your words of support and concern. it really does mean a lot to me. up until now i have pretty much held my shit together.

i KNOW all of the good things--that she's at peace, she's with my paw-paw and she didn't have to linger. my head knows all of that. i even went to work yesterday, hours after hearing she died. i was strong. i was ok. but not so much today.

yes, i miss her, the person, but it feels like so much more than that. i cannot lie and say i was closer to her than i actually was. i was closer to my paw-paw, her husband, who died when i was in high school. i was closer to my maternal grandma, who died the year my son was born. and, while i still have my other grandpa i was never that close to him and haven't seen or talked to him in ages. so, with maw-maw dying i feel like the fabric of my childhood, the last connection i had to that and to my paw-paw are also gone. it makes me feel the loss of them all over again. the loss of being with them.

even before she got older, she always repeated the same stories over and over again. after years of hearing them i'd groan inside each time she started to tell a story. and now i'll never hear them again. i won't hear the story about how, when i was maybe two she and my paw-paw took me out to buy a coat and it was taking longer than i wanted it to so i threw a fit. or the time my paw-paw was working on the stove in the kitchen and i was bugging him so he told me to go out and play in the backyard. i told him, no paw-paw i can't because ears (their basset hound) is out there and there's poop in the yard. or how one day when i was home from college for the weekend and we sat in her bedroom floor until it got dark and shadows crossed the room, looking at all of her pictures. or how another weekend when i was in college we took a road trip through west virginia, just the two of us, driving wherever, stopping and seeing different sights. i had just gotten my license and she let me drive, on the highway, while she smoked like a freight train (i didn't smoke then) undaunted by my new-found driving skills. when i was in high school i had to write a paper on picasso for art class. this was back before computers and email and the technology then was a typewriter. i must have mentioned this project to her either in a letter or on the phone so she sent me her college theme paper on picasso. i still have it somewhere. i still have the winnie-the-pooh sleeping bag she and my grandpa gave me when i was five. the smell of joy dish soap still takes me back to her kitchen, her standing there in all of her 4'5" glory washing dishes or sitting at the table doing a crossword puzzle.

so, i wrote the eulogy. i think, if he's able, my brother is going to read it. i know i can't.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

sweet peace

my grandma died around 3 am this morning in her sleep. i hope, when it's my turn, that i can do the same.

interestingly enough this year marks 25 yrs. since my grandpa died and she's be lonely for him all this time. also, she died the way her mother died. my great grandma was spending the weekend with my grandparents and when my grandma went in to wake her mom one morning she had died in her sleep.

not sure yet on timing, but we'll be heading to wv for her burial maybe sunday or monday.

i am sad but i am happy for her. oddly enough one of the hard things is telling people face to face about it. good morning...how are you today? oh, fine, my grandma died. then people of course want to console you and say nice things and that's when i lose my shit and want to bawl. outpourings of kindness release me.

and random things keep running through my head about the eulogy. i can say my things about her, the things she's meant to me or my memories, but i don't know how to be that voice for all. there's no way in hell i'd be able to read it. hell, the hubs and i wrote our own wedding vows and on the video you can't even really hear what i'm saying because i'm crying---though obviously not the same kind of tears.

i'm glad maw-maw did not linger and i'm glad she didn't die tomorrow. not only will it be friday the 13th but it's also my dad's birthday. that would suck to have your mom die on your birthday.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

excuse me, i think that's my lung on the floor

i have a cough. i think my lungs might have dislodged themselves and are trying to escape my body. i think it is because the hubs and i are for real talking about quitting smoking. for the last two nights i've slept most of the night in a recliner, hoping for some coughing relief. tonight i took some nyquil, hoping to avoid another recliner night (because i will never be one those couples who has separate beds or separate rooms) but damned if i'm still not coughing. i took an over the counter cough/cold thing last night and every four hours today. i also have eaten a bag of cough drops. they aren't very filling.

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a week ago the girl was invited to submit an application for the national junior honor society. she had to list all of her activities and leadership positions. hello--6th grade here, what leadership positions. i am not opposed to activities and i know colleges look at that shit, but isn't the fact that you get good grades enough? anyway, i assumed she wouldn't get in because we didn't have much to put on her application for activities and leadership. but low and behold today she was invited to join the NATIONAL JUNIOR HONOR SOCIETY!!!!!! : ) i'm a bit proud : ) i've always known she was smart, but confirmation of it? i'm so proud and happy for her. there is a breakfast swearing in ceremony at the end of the month. : ) this is me, being happy for my brainiac : )

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we went to see my gma this evening. i think we're looking at maybe two days left w/ her. she hasn't been awake all day. she came home monday. her brother came to see her yesterday and she talked to the other one on the phone last night. my aunt said after that she just seemed to relax and basically has slept ever since. she hasn't eaten in about 2-3 days and hasn't had anything to drink in a day. you cannot rouse her from her sleep. she is breathing and comfortable. she looked so frail and small in that bed. her chest heaving up and down, face sunken in. asleep, probably dreaming of my paw-paw. i hope i do not out live the hubs by 25 years. i'm not sure i could bear it. but she did. and now she's ready to go.

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one of the many things my dad said last night is that he wants me to write my gma's eulogy (and i guess if possible read it). when the hubs told me that i immediately said no, i can't. i've never written anything like that. what do you say? how do you celebrate 80 years with words?

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driving home from work today i had the revelation that despite the fact that my gma is dying and my parents and sister are trying their best to out-drama one another and the fact that i'm still so behind at work and deadlines are looming and the fact that i might soon need a lung transplant because i'm quite sure when i next cough and mine go flying onto the floor the dogs will scarf them down i am feeling peaceful and happy.

rooms

the hubs: you know, we moved in this house 6 years ago and you said then we'd do it in every room of the house.

me: yes. so, we've done it in the garage, den, living room and our bedroom. i'm not doing it in the kids rooms while they're still living at home.

the hubs: ok, that leaves the dining room.

me: i'm not doing it on that carpet. we'd have to do it on the table.

the hubs: that would be hard to explain if we both threw our backs out.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

jim beam drama

late this afternoon the hubs calls and tells me not to check the messages when i get home. of course i immediately want to know why but the hubs is obviously somewhere where he can't really explain why at that point.

this is right before i leave work for the day. i get in the car, dial the hubs and tell him to tell me what the fuck is going on because i'm thinking ok, they called w/ results from his doc visit today and it's bad, or my grandma died. (yes, someone in my family would totally be retarded enough to leave me a voicemail like that, namely my dad.)

apparently my father drunk dialed all of his kids today, thankfully he didn't have my work number, crying, telling us all that our grandma is dying. stupid fuck we know that! this weekend the hubs told my sis that any info about my grandma needs to come through him and he will tell me what i need to know, weeding out the damn drama they create and getting the info from a reliable source (my aunt) instead.

so jim beam-filled dad calls all of his kids to tell us maw-maw came home yesterday and hospice has been there and her brother from wv came down to see her and i should call my mom. wtf. i knew all of this. i know she's dying. i know hospice is there.

and, so far i've received two different emails from my mom telling me how upset my dad is about this and even though he doesn't show it he's quite torn up. really? hmm. once again she's making excuses for him, just like she's done for the last 40 years. omfg i cannot believe the stupid drama these people stir up. maybe he would be more at peace with himself if he was more involved with the people in his life rather than a fucking jim beam bottle. maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty and sad about his mother dying if he had actually paid any REAL attention to her in the last 25 years. maybe if he quit using everything negative as an excuse to crawl in that bottle every day he would be a happier person. but oh no, he doesn't have a drinking problem.

the woman is 80 years old, did they think she was going to live forever???? she's weak. she's ready to go. let her have some fucking dignity and quit making this into anything about yourself! you stupid drunk fuck.

the hubs, my sis and my bro all went over to my parents' house, thank god he didn't reach me, i presume to see what the hell is going on w/ my dad. he's drunk. he's guilt ridden. and this may sound cold but i don't feel a bit sorry for him. i just wish the hubs would get home so he can fill me in on exactly what was said and what's been going on.

i talked to my aunt today and my grandma is tired, from all the visitors today, and they did have to give her some morphine for the pain when she moves. otherwise she's just ready to be done w/ it. we're going to see if she's up to us visiting her tomorrow.

conversation threads

yesterday, my bro on facebook, after i whined like a little girl that he hadn't friended me, sends me a friend request that says: be my friend beeotch!
last night at dinner the boy said: you know, i'll probably marry a new yorkian because i'm going to juilliard. (*we did inform him it's new yorker and that lots of other people beside new yorkers go to juilliard. and, he's 9 and no, he hasn't applied or been accepted to juilliard...yet.)

this morning as we're getting ready for work, trying to find motivation to get up and go the hubs said: i'm glad you don't have little titties (his word ladies, NOT mine); that's more toys for me to play with. and--when you aren't hacking up a lung or on your period could you wear that shirt to bed?

right now i'm saying to myself: get the fuck off of blogger and do some work dammit! it's not like you don't have two expense reports to file; six stories to write and metrics to check and phone calls to make. get to work beeotch!

sheesh--she's such a hard ass.

Monday, March 9, 2009

friend or family?

i think i mentioned that saturday my bro/sil/gameboy and puddin came over to hang out right? well, my sister called while they were there to give us her latest update on my grandma. when my mom and sister give updates there is drama. saturday they were getting their oil changed in preparation for a wv trip (i.e. the inevitable funeral). it was this type of drama that caused me to panic last week and run off to the hospital in the middle of the day, only to find out maw-maw's status was as it had been. she's terminal. she's dying. i don't know how much more dramatic you need to get than that. i've come to terms with it. i love her and will miss her and it will be sad but she's doing this on her terms and i'm ok with that.

this morning the hubs calls my sister--yes, he is an instigator, he likes stirring shit up. he asked her whats going on; she said she'd just been out applying for medicaid. not that you stupid bitch(no he didn't say that but he should have) what's the daily update on your grandma. i'd already talked to my aunt last night and knew they were bringing maw-maw home, w/ hospice care, today.

after the update my sister tells the hubs that she's mad about saturday. that she's been trying to fit in and yet we still don't invite her to our house. first of all, this is not quite true. when we have family get togethers, which we do from time to time just to be nice, and invite my folks we invite her family as well. however, when i just want to hang out w/ friends, i do not invite her. she is my sister. she is not my friend. i love her. i do not like her as a person. my brother is a different story. i would be friends w/ him even if he weren't related to me. while i think we've been brought closer because of the things we've gone through w/ our parents/sister, i think even if nothing had happened we would be friends.

for the most part i am so over my parents/sister. i am not angry, i am not upset and i don't expect anything from them. i am nice to them and involve them to a certain degree in our lives but i don't want to be any more submerged in their lives than i already am.

and plus--uh, why the fuck would i invite her over? she's like a spy for my mom so anything we talk about would go right back to my mom; her husband refuses to be engaged in any conversation and she doesn't watch her kids and my nephew terrorizes the dogs or gets in to stuff and my niece needs to be the center of everything (much like her mother).

Sunday, March 8, 2009

africa vs. australia

last night the hubs and i watched australia w/ nicole-thank-all-that-is-holy-i-divorced-tom-cruise kidman and hugh-i-am-so-sexy-jackman. it was long. very long. twice i thought it was over and it kept going. and going. and going.

even though it was long it was ok. not my favorite movie but it was ok. afterwards i thought it was a lot like one of my favorite movies, out of africa.

out of africa, meryl streep and robert redford, is awesome. i also love the soundtrack. i saw that movie for the first time in a movie theater in london on a rainy afternoon. i was there w/ one of my best friends from high school and her parents and maybe 5 other people. there was an intermission; they served coffee and cake at the concession stand. it was an experience. but the movie itself is incredible.

these two movies shared a similar story line--woman from another country goes to untamed continent and tries to make it more like her home country or make the people there like "civilized" people. woman's husband either dies or goes off on an adventure and catches syphilis and then woman falls in love w/ a strong, rebel man who prefers being a loner, even though he loves her deeply. the heroine in both movies does something (drive cattle, crosses the desert, etc.) women of their times never did, something only men are thought able to do and then they gain respect from the men around them.

in australia, which could have been edited down an hour at least, nicole ends up getting everything she wants, well, for the most part, but in out of africa meryl loses. i still thought out of africa was a much better movie and i love it. i cry every damn time i watch that movie.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

60 degrees difference

monday and tuesday schools were closed because of snow. it was 18 degrees here in north carolina. today it was about 78 degrees and gorgeous.

we went to the farmer's market and a plant nursery looking around for things to plant. the hubs has a serious case of spring fever and is ready to do something, anything in the yard.

i have crocus and hyacinths, tulips, daffodils and lilies of the valley popping through the ground. we had the windows open all day.

this evening we had my bro/sil/gameboy and puddin over. we had a good visit. bitched about our parents and our sister and then just had a good time together. puddin is crawling up a storm. i can't believe she is 11 months old. i think (hope) she recognizes me and knows me now. there was the one time a few months ago that she cried and wouldn't let me hold her, but now she reaches for me and seems to like me. i love loving on her and hugging her and she's just too damn cute!


*******
now the hubs and the girl are on facelibre. i am still having a love hate relationship w/ fb. first--there's just too much stuff on there, applications and poking and posting pictures and writing on walls. my brain can't handle it all.

i love that i can see friends pics and catch up w/ them but i also feel a pressure. like, oh, i have 20 friends and so and so has 50, i need more friends. but i don't want to befriend all the people who are requesting it--mostly people i work w/ now that i don't even talk to at work so why the hell would i be their friends on fb? and then there is the self esteem thing. when you ask to friend someone and don't get a response. or the fact that you have mutual friends with people from high school but other people from high school don't ask to be your friend. i know, it is so lame and childish of me to feel this way. and the thing is the people that i see that are on there from my high school aren't really people i was friends w/ when i was in high school so why the hell do i care if they want to be my fb friend? it's a disease that facebook. oy vey.

*******
last night we were at lowes hardware. i mentioned that i liked those big, fat frog statues i've seen at garden centers and now the girl is showing me every single frog she finds. i am picky. i don't like the cartoon looking frogs or the frogs on swings or wearing hats or any of that. i also don't like itty bitty ones or big giant ones. i don't like plastic ones. i want a big, fat, cement, realistic looking one. so she shows me one that is meant to sit by a pond and it has a hole in it's mouth so it shoots water into the fountain. i said, no, i don't want a spitter. and the hubs says, without missing a beat, no, i'm don't like spitters either.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

good vs. evil

good:
long, hot showers
sex
electric blankets (but not when having sex)
kitties on your lap (but not when having sex)
yes, sex is good

evil:
omfg facebook is evil, so very very evil. there are so many screens and places to comment and i can't figure it out and i feel like an old lady and i prefer my simple sweet anonymous blog and wtf are these stupid idiots i work w/ but never speak to trying to be my fucking friends on facebook? for real? give me a damn break you morons. is it really all about how many friends you have? i think i want to shoot someone.

my sister. she is getting on my last nerve. since she doesn't have a job and isn't planning on even pretending to look for one until after her kid is born (which is not until after september) she is making face time sitting at the hospital. i know i'm being a bitch, but i also know if she had anything better to do (like a fucking job) she would not be at the hospital. and her whole plan still is to get on any and all public dole and ride it out. lazy stupid bitch. i do not have a problem w/ getting unemployment but i have a problem w/ your entire plan for the future is to milk unemployment and then get state aid and medicaid while every other responsible adult is trying their best to hold their shit together.

coincidences

i read some one's blog on my blogroll and she talks about the coincidences in her life (i'm sorry, my brain isn't altogether there so i think i know who it is but not positive--only a movie??) and i find those posts quite interesting.

i hadn't thought much about it until yesterday. first with the girl asking me about germany and the guten tag tag.

this morning as i'm driving in to work the morning show i listen to was talking about transporting caskets/urns across state lines. the day before i had asked my aunt if my grandma was still going be buried in west virginia, beside my grandpa. she said yes, that maw-maw wants to be cremated and then buried beside him. so that's been playing in my mind--how does that work? she'd be cremated here in nc and then what? box her up and drive her to wv? fedex? would we have a funeral caravan heading up there? or would her body be transported and cremated there? and, did she decide to be cremated because she does live here now and knew it would probably be easier to transport an urn rather than a coffin? and then, on top of that my friend broad emails me this morning about her step daughter taking her mother's ashes to florida this weekend to be scattered. coincidence? i mean it's not every day that you think or talk about cremation and burial.

when does one start thinking about such plans? a couple of years ago i blogged about my funeral and i think that's still pretty much how i feel. still undecided about cremation vs. burial and the final location, but otherwise it's good.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

guten tag

gal friday tagged me to write seven things about myself.

lord, is there anything i haven't told you people???

1. tonight's episode of lost is confusing the holy hell out of me, more so than usual and that's saying a lot.

2. guten tag--this made me smile because the hubs and i (both army brats) met in high school in germany and tonight of all nights the girl is looking for german things to take into school because they're studying europe. she has a doll of mine dressed in a dirndle and some other things and is now looking through photo albums looking for pictures of germany. omg the memories.

3. my favorite flower is the peony. the hubs recently ordered me some rare chinese peony trees, apparently it's the first time they've let these trees be exported. soon i'll have three to plant in the yard.

4. since my last post my grandma has gone downhill. she'll be going home to my aunt's in a couple of days, with hospice care. she has a living will and does not want any medical intervention. the doctor says she may have 5-6 months. initially i was really upset, but, this is what she wants. she's ready to be w/ my grandpa (he died 25 yrs ago) and she's tired and doesn't want to hang around anymore. so, she's doing things on her terms.

5. in the last year i have fallen in love with avocados and ginger dressing, though not together.

6. i am having serious facebook issues. i don't know how to upload stuff. i don't know who to let be my friend. it is hard to let some people and not others who know the people you've let be your friend. i'm seriously thinking of deleting it. i prefer being anonymous.

7. the other night i watched the philadelphia story w/ cary grant, katherine hepburn and jimmy stewart. i think that is perhaps one of my favorite katherine hepburn movies.

Monday, March 2, 2009

excessive or obsessive, take your pick

i caved in to peer pressure and got on face libre today. half of me did it just because i'm nosey and wanted to know what it's all about the other half did it because i want to know what's what if they start requiring us to do it at work.

at first i thought it would be cool because maybe i'd find some long lost peeps from high school or college or other army brats i went to school w/ along the way, but then i got to thinking, how much do i really need to reconnect with them? i periodically hear from one of my best friends from high school and while there are one or two other people i wouldn't mind hearing from from those days, it's not like i really think i'm going to strike up a life long renewed friendship w/ any of the others. and that's not to say that i didn't like people, but i have a hard enough time keeping up w/ my life as it is.

i have many very good friends in my life and i often feel like i don't nurture those relationships enough as it is. face libre is just one more thing to take up my time. and twitter. really, how much social networking and online time is enough???? excessive or obsessive? right now i still prefer my blog. i'm not as worried about people discovering me randomly here and knowing who i am in person. i can say or do whatever i want/need to here.

*******
snow--it is so very pretty. we got the snow i wanted, the big storm of the year, even though it came in MARCH for god's sake. i discovered something today. as much as i thought i could do it--work from home with the kids here, there's no way in hell it would work. even though they are old enough not to need my constant attention to keep them out of harm's way, they still need my attention to keep them from killing each other. holy fuck--they just cancelled school again tomorrow. omg. i think the powers that be are proving that point, be careful what you wish for. excessive? yes.

******
the girl made a batch of rice crispy treats this morning. all but two are gone. excessive? i tried to justify their absence by the fact that it's just cereal (oh yeah, an marshmallows--which according to hotch and penny contain poop) but who am i fooling?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

let it snow let it snow let it snow!

it's 9:30 sunday night and they've cancelled school for tomorrow : )

i'm culling through my work emails now--i hadn't checked them since tuesday. i'm happy to report that a few people took the time to actually email us (copying the queen of evil) about how much they liked the conference and how well it went. this pleases me : ) even though people fill out evaluation forms at the end of the day, it's still nice that they send an email and include her on it so she can see first hand what people say.

i brought mexican jumping beans home for the kids--they actually jump. they're really larvae of a moth encapsulated in a pod and when they get warm (under light) they hop around. it's gross if you think about it, but cool too.

we are watching the alamo. movies have changed so much from this genre and though i don't ofen sit down on my own to watch something like this, i can appreciate it. i grew up watching these types of movies, and especially anything w/ john wayne in it.

doing well, rhett butler and nerf darts

my gma is doing much better. she's still incredibly sick/weak, but i think she'll come home from the hospital, but not right now. she's a tiny woman, 73 lbs, and right now eating a lot means about 3 tsps of something. my aunt is taking excellent care of her, as she's done for the last several years. i think my aunt is (rightly so) pissed at my parents because they've been so neglectful of my gma and now come in and act like they've been there all along. it's family drama. my sister has been at the hospital too (since, ya know, she doesn't have a job) and my aunt said to her that she resents having to pay taxes to pay for her baby on the way. i almost laughed out loud at that one. my gma still says she's a senator, so, you know, we'll see. my aunt also threw my dad under the bus (and again i almost laughed out loud) because she told my gma he was a republican and he's been lying to her all these years. ha. there is no bluer dem than my gma.

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one of the books i got for valentine's day is rhett butler's people. i'm about 1/3 of the way through and it's interesting. it's rhett butler's side of gone w/ the wind, one of my fave books. did you know they wanted katherine hepburn (one of my faves) to try out for the part of scarlett? yeah, though i think kate rocks, i don't think she'd have done as well with that part as olivia did. anyway, i'll let you know my final review of the book, but so far i really like it.

*********
last night we hung out at my bro/sil's. we hadn't seen them since the beginning of feb when puddin' got baptised. it was good to visit w/ them and just hang out. puddin' is crawling up a storm (she'll be 1 in april) and is standing up. she says kitty kat and loves to point. i heart her : ) most times when we all get together there is a bit of rowdiness. last night it started w/ gameboy's nerf guns. the boy and gameboy were playing video games and my bro laid in the floor near them. the girl got out the nerf gun and started shooting my bro in the butt and head. it took off from there. she knows that whatever she does to him he will give back 10 fold, alas, she didn't care. so then a nerf battle began. the boys gave up the video games and started in on it as well. i was sitting there, minding my own business and dammit if my bro didn't shoot me right in the forehead w/ a stupid nerf dart. asshat.

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today we went to church and have since been slugs. it is cold and rainy outside and we're awaiting the 4-6 inches of snow they're predicting for us. i really have a lot of work to do in the office, but i wouldn't be totally disappointed if we got snow dumped on us and school gets cancelled and i have to stay home w/ the kids tomorrow.