Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Jim Beam Logic

For whatever reason, The Hubs decided to stop by and visit my Dad today. By now it's pretty common knowledge that as soon as Dad gets off work he goes home and starts playing video games and drinking. When he drinks he gets talkative and philosophical.

The Hubs must have needed some amusement and in fact takes great delight in screwing with my parents (figuratively).

Somehow, during the course of what I can only imagine was an interesting conversation, my Dad gave The Hubs some sage (!) advice.

My Dad told The Hubs that if he ever cheats on me....wait for it...it's not what you expect...did my Dad, my Father, the co-creator of me tell my husband that if he cheats on me he'll cut his balls off? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My Dad told The Hubs if he ever cheats on me not to take Ann Landers' advice (like my Dad did) to be honest and tell your wife. My Dad told my husband that if he has a tendency to cheat on me and he feels guilty to KEEP IT TO HIMSELF. Why you may ask? Because then you don't get any more sex. Condensed version is that my Dad had an affair when he was in Viet Nam (which through the years my Mom told us) and about five years the issue came up again between my parents. Like did Mom forget that it had happened 30 + years ago and then one day she remembered? I don't know. But the folks haven't had sex in five years so my Dad told The Hubs not to come clean if he has an affair. Thanks Dad!

Around the same time my Mom moved out of their bedroom, much like her Mother had done. My Grandma always had her own room, at least for as long as I can remember. My Dad told The Hubs that it was generational and that when the kids move out and he starts seeing furniture move into one of the other bedrooms he'll know his time has come. The hell you say!

And lastly, they talked about the FIL and my Dad's Jim Beam logic told The Hubs he shouldn't be so hard on his Dad. The Hubs, being one to love similes and comparisons said, ok, so if my wife (your daughter) dies tomorrow and 350 days from now I get married how would you feel? My Dad asked, well, who are you marrying! The Hubs said, well, in this scenario it would be your youngest daughter (who my father has been referring to as Fat Ass). My Dad said--I would say Hoo-fuckin-rah! Because I know you'd take care of her and I wouldn't have to.

Just how many ways can you spell dysfunctional?

And for my Brother and SIL, when you read this you cannot say a word. The Hubs isn't too thrilled that I'm writing it to begin with so if this gets back to dear old Dad he'll have to kill you both : ) LOL

4 comments:

Information Central said...

Tell the Hubs that if he ever fools around on you I will cut his balls off. Love, Big T

Anonymous said...

Sounds about normal, did you expect something different? Maybe he should poll some people his age and see what they have for bedroom arrangements. I think he would be surprised!!
SIL

Anon said...

Thanks Big T, I know you've got my back! : ) The Hubs said I shouldn't have been surprised, but damn, your own Dad basically telling your husband it's ok if he cheats on you.
I guess I don't know a lot about the sleeping habits of people over 50, but personally I can't see doing that when I get 50,60 or 70.

guinea pig said...

my mom started sleeping in another room about a year ago i guess. she says it is b/c of my dad's snoring. i think it is b/c she just doesn't like him. whatever.

and no it is not my intention to follow that path either. heck one of the freaking reasons to get married was to have someone to always sleep with! and i get cold when he isn't in the bed.