i'm trying not to fall off the edge. i think this is why i'm so sleepy all the time. stress relief. most nights it's a miracle if i can stay up past 10pm. for about a week i think i've been playing w/ a stomach bug, but i'm beginning to think it's more anxiety than a virus. when i'm stressed i shut down. when the hubs is stressed he wants to have sex. the two do not readily mix.
we celebrated valentine's day on sunday because week nights are usually filled w/ homework and karate. it's a good thing we did. the hubs (who's been sick since last week) was working 2 1/2 hours away and didn't get home until after 8pm. both kids came home from school tired and puny; the boy felt so bad he didn't go to karate. he NEVER voluntarily misses karate. though he got up and went to school today (because it was crazy dress up day and he spent more time and thought on what he was going to wear than he has on his science project that's due later this week) i was picking him up before 10:30.
yesterday i found out the job writing about cell phones that i wasn't over-the-moon about isn't mine; they hired someone else. ah. the sense of hopelessness taints just about every moment of the day at this point. if i think too much about anything i am seconds away from a crying jag. i think my friend big t might have sensed this yesterday when we spoke because i ended up talking to her about three times.
and? this morning in my email i had two messages from my sil's mom. she of the big heart. she who is going in for surgery today sent me devotional email messages. how did she know i needed them? even me, who's not overly religious but considers myself....spiritual? appreciated the message.
things like this make me wonder if i'm missing a sign of some sort. i always think about those stories people tell about how someone keeps asking for help and needing help and wondering why nothing is happening and god is there saying well, i did this, this and this and you just didn't recognize it. of course then i start worrying why i can't see the signs and if the signs/guidance/direction have already come and gone and i missed it what the hell am i going to do?
and....as if all of that isn't enough to send a sane person looking for a nice white jacket, i wonder if i am turning into my mom after all and that scares the grilledcheezus out of me.