Tuesday, February 15, 2011


i'm trying not to fall off the edge. i think this is why i'm so sleepy all the time. stress relief. most nights it's a miracle if i can stay up past 10pm. for about a week i think i've been playing w/ a stomach bug, but i'm beginning to think it's more anxiety than a virus. when i'm stressed i shut down. when the hubs is stressed he wants to have sex. the two do not readily mix.

we celebrated valentine's day on sunday because week nights are usually filled w/ homework and karate. it's a good thing we did. the hubs (who's been sick since last week) was working 2 1/2 hours away and didn't get home until after 8pm. both kids came home from school tired and puny; the boy felt so bad he didn't go to karate. he NEVER voluntarily misses karate. though he got up and went to school today (because it was crazy dress up day and he spent more time and thought on what he was going to wear than he has on his science project that's due later this week) i was picking him up before 10:30.

yesterday i found out the job writing about cell phones that i wasn't over-the-moon about isn't mine; they hired someone else. ah. the sense of hopelessness taints just about every moment of the day at this point. if i think too much about anything i am seconds away from a crying jag. i think my friend big t might have sensed this yesterday when we spoke because i ended up talking to her about three times.

and? this morning in my email i had two messages from my sil's mom. she of the big heart. she who is going in for surgery today sent me devotional email messages. how did she know i needed them? even me, who's not overly religious but considers myself....spiritual? appreciated the message.

things like this make me wonder if i'm missing a sign of some sort. i always think about those stories people tell about how someone keeps asking for help and needing help and wondering why nothing is happening and god is there saying well, i did this, this and this and you just didn't recognize it. of course then i start worrying why i can't see the signs and if the signs/guidance/direction have already come and gone and i missed it what the hell am i going to do?

and....as if all of that isn't enough to send a sane person looking for a nice white jacket, i wonder if i am turning into my mom after all and that scares the grilledcheezus out of me.


Annabelle said...

Dumb question here...are you looking for things outside of your field also? My MIL had took a job for the school system, as a cafeteria worker for a while. Crap pay, but good befits. Once she finally got an offer in her field she left, but it was her only option for a long while.

Re: religion. You've spoken my exact mind on the subject. I wrestle with the psychological/metaphysical conflict daily.

And the biggest punch of them all...turning into our mothers. Oh honey, how I wish we could sit and chat over drinks on this one. it's a fear that wakes me up at night. Shuts me down and kicks my ass.

only a movie said...

Wow - I was going to comment on the 3 topics Annabelle brought up: 1.) work outside your field 2.) religion 3.) turning into our mothers.

And I was going to say how I wish we could be sitting down to coffee for a good long conversation about all of the above.

As for signs... in my experience I don't know for sure they are signs until waaaay after the fact. Sigh.

Hang in there. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I don't know your Mom, except through your comments in your blog and what you've said in person, but I am certain that you are NOT turning into her!

Love you. Wish I had some words of advice that would find you a fabulous job in a jiffy.

Sweet T

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Firegirl said...

To quote the lovely John Cusack in Serendipity: "Maybe the absence of a sign is a sign."

Here's what I think...and have had this thought recently: sometimes things have to fall apart completely in order to fix them. I take odd comfort in that. Sometimes there is nothing to do and you just have to let it all go.

Is it possible that the fact you haven't gotten a job a sign that you shouldn't get a job? For some yet unknown reason there is a reason that you're still home.

Not helpful perhaps but something to think about.