those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know that i don't have the greatest relationship w/ my parents. it is a .... pathetic relationship at best.
last weekend my brother sat down and had an adult, non-antagonistic discussion with them about communication in general and how their lack of communication w/ each other and their miscommunication w/ the rest of us lead to turmoil and most of the family drama we often find ourselves in. not that he asked for it, but i was proud of him. he didn't go in there w/ accusations or blame or anger, he just matter-of-factly said here are the problems and here's what we all need to do. my dad of course could not even nut up enough to accept any responsibility for any wrong doing, ever, for anything. couldn't even admit that there might be a communication problem. no surprise there.
i have been saying for awhile that i needed to sit down and have a talk w/ my mom. lay things out on the table. but of course i hadn't done that yet. my brother and the hubs, they are always the brave ones, not afraid of confronting my parents. i say it's because i don't care and that i don't need to confront them because i know they won't change and it doesn't matter enough to me to confront them. frankly, that's a lie and a cop out. somewhere inside me there is still a part that may be able to passively deal w/ my parents but not aggressively or physically deal with them.
that changed today. sometimes i guess when you don't have the courage or the ability to stand up for yourself, you find that courage and ability to stand up for your kids.
we went to my folks house for my dad's birthday. that in itself...well, frankly it just makes me crazy that i have to celebrate his birthday. they don't make a happy birthday you fucktard cards, and i felt that way before anything even happened. i made the mistake of telling my aunt the girl had mono. she's a nurse, i meant to talk to her about it, but, the conversation never got that far. my dad immediately said something he thought was funny, something about the girl kissing someone. then my uncle said something and i don't know what else was said. i said they could all kiss my ass, in a semi-teasing tone, and walked out of the room. later my dad, who rarely speaks to my kids anyway, teased the girl about it again.
when we got in the car to come home the girl immediately said to the hubs and i, you believe me don't you? you know i didn't kiss anyone right? then she started crying. 41 years of teasing and berating and stupid comments and much more came slamming into my head. the hubs was livid. if the girl had started crying at their house i'm fairly certain my dad would be in the hospital right now. when we got home the hubs ranted to me. he said it was over, we were done w/ them. i didn't say much. i still can't say much. i don't even know what to say. my dad is a piece of work. i suppose if you look at the comments by themselves they could be considered harmless. and i suppose if the comments were made in a teasing manner by someone she was closer to, like my brother or sister in law, someone who knows her and cares about her and jokes w/ her on a regular basis it would be different. or even if my dad was a real human being it would be different. but he's not and the bottom line is he made my baby cry.
so the hubs ranted/vented to me. we called my bro and sil and ranted and vented to them. the hubs and i stood in the kitchen and i said either he was making the call or i was. he said if he made the call we'd basically be finished w/ them.
i made the call. i half expected my dad to be in bed, it was after 8pm.
me: hey, is dad still up?
mom: yes, why? are you ok?
me: no, not really. he made the girl cry tonight.
mom: what? why?
me: his mono comments. can i talk to him?
dad: yellow (he always fucking answers the phone like that)
me: i just wanted to let you know you made your granddaughter cry tonight.
dad: (chuckling and laughing) really? how?
me: by teasing her about the mono. she was very upset about it.
dad: really? well i wasn't the only one who said anything. (the defensiveness creeps into his voice)
me: well, she was upset. a kid should be able to count on their parents and their grandparents not to tease them. and i'll tell you this, you will not hurt my kids or treat them like you did us.
dad: (totally pissed off) oh really? feel better about getting that off your chest do you?
me: yeah. fuck you.
click. i hung up on him.
i can only imagine that after that he ranted and raved and my mom cried. she'll be burning up the phone lines to her sisters tomorrow or possibly try to call me.
all of these years i have kept things from crossing a certain line in my mind...never letting things get to that point of no return. for what? what would i really be losing if my parents were no longer part of my life? no drama? no guilt? i honestly cannot think of one positive thing that comes out of that house that flows into my family.