Tuesday, December 1, 2009

dear so and so

dear son,
i think perhaps you have confused us w/ millionaires. i realize this is the first year you've admitted that you no longer believe in that big fat guy in the red and white suit, but dude, do you really think we're going to buy you a $299 karate body dummy to spar with? i applaud your commitment to your new found interest, really, i do, you are serious and hard working, but, i am not buying an ass load of karate stuff for christmas. you should also know you are not getting a $250 replica wwe championship belt. i hope you will be happy with a nerf gun and crayons.
love,
your unemployed (that means i don't have a job in case you've forgotten) mom

dear daughter,
please stop growing now. i liked it better when i bought you clothes and shoes at the beginning of the school year (4 months ago) and they fit pretty much all year. i estimate if we have to buy bras and shoes every four months you will end up a very well endowed young woman who can never find a decent pair of shoes. especially since you are drawn to heels.
love,
your short mom who has jeans older than you

dear santa,
i know my children no longer believe in you, but i still do. this year for christmas i want some new fuzzy slippers, a giant box of crayons and a cool coloring book, like some of these, a gift certificate for a mani and pedi (and maybe some waxing), a starbucks gift card and this new train cd.
love,
a constant believer

dear potential employers,
i realize you must be incredibly busy since you have jobs. i realize that i am but one of a plethora of people who have applied for that job you just posted on the internet. you misspelled proof reading by the way. i understand that because so many people are jobless right now you probably have the best pool of talent to draw from and you are sitting on your hands to keep from clapping with glee. i just have one small request--if indeed you are not going to bother to even call me in for an interview will you just shoot me a quick email saying thanks but no thanks? hell, you can send me a form letter for that matter. just let me know not to hold out hope that i'll be hearing from you. thanks.
sincerely,
desperately seeking a job

4 comments:

only a movie said...

I love a good coloring book. I have a few... and some colored pencils... what? for my classroom, right?

:-)
The boy here does not stop growing. He wears size 13 shoes. They were expensive. Ack.

broad minded said...

this was a hilarious post! thanks for keeping the blog alive, since I can't seem to do that while unemployed.

and let me know when you hear something from those employer types . . .

Kristin.... said...

I'd love a good coloring book, some SHARP crayons and colored pencils, and a quiet room to color in.

Firegirl said...

I, too, love the idea of a new coloring book & crayons!!!

I HATED not hearing from prospective employers. It's so rude. Like you said: a simple form letter!