this was my sucktastic day

so, i may have mentioned the company i work for is up for sale. we were told this a few months ago. we get little real information on the progress of this. for the most part i have not worried too much about it. life happens. i've gone through this before w/ another company.

we have had one round of layoffs in our office. between yesterday and today three more people were laid off. is it still called laid off if there is no hope of getting your job back? the three layoffs today were sad and i'm not being ugly, but they weren't any of my peeps. not that it makes it any better for them though.

i also found out that one of my staff and a person in another department are switching jobs. i sound so professional when i say "one of my staff" but i'm really not. there are three people in my "department" and when it is convenient for the company i am considered a manager but when there are decisions to be made i am not. i had no voice in this decision. my boss and his boss and another manager made this decision. on one hand i am glad i wasn't involved in the decision because i can honestly say i don't know why it happened. however, in the big scheme of things it is a good thing.

god, i don't mean to ramble but this is what i do when i'm so conflicted. skip this post altogether if you like cos i can't not write it.

when i took this job 2 1/2 years ago i was excited and scared. i am not a good boss. i don't like to boss people around. i don't "manage" people well. i walked into a situation where one staffer works part time (when it really should be a full time position) and has forever and that's not going to change. some times this is really a pain to work around, even though she does work from home and we always get our jobs done. the other staffer, the one that's changing jobs, is adequate. if we were a larger staff this probably wouldn't happen, but when there are three of you, things get noticed. she is the type of person that does a great job if you tell them what to do. she will do anything i ask. however, she doesn't bring anything extra to the table. god, that sounds so managerish. she does what she needs to to get by and that's it. and she makes it obvious to me a lot. i don't know how to motivate her. i've tried. i've tried asking her opinion on things, giving her different things to work on, tried to find out what she would be interested in and letting her do that, but she's just not. she says she likes her job but she doesn't really try.

she of course was devastated with the news. it is a done deal. she is professionally going backwards but she is keeping her salary. she is keeping a job when others are being let go. she is surprised by this and i do not know what to say. i talked to her earlier this year about stepping up to the plate more and blah blah blah. my boss talked to her last year about the same. and she is still surprised.

on one hand i feel that if i were a better boss i could have fixed her. i could have inspired her. i could have done something to prevent this. on the other hand i feel like maybe i will finally get the work partner i need in that position not only to help me carry the load better but also maybe to push me to be more. maybe i feel so bad because i'm just as much of a slack ass as she is, though i produce more work and know when i have to be "on" and know how to communicate with people.

i also know that in our office once the higher ups form a negative opinion of you it is hard to change that opinion, even if you do get better. the higher ups have not had a favorable opinion of her since i started there. i was told that when i started there. they had a mess they didn't want to deal with at the time and now they are and it sucks. balls. it sucks balls. i tell them of her good qualities. i tell them when she is doing better. however, this has not changed things. plus, it's really hard to sing someone's praises when you know they're just showing up.

and there's nothing wrong with just showing up. hell, i do it lots of days myself. i guess the difference is when it's time to get down to business i do. i have been in meetings with her and these other bosses and i swear to god it looks like she's falling asleep. she can't even act interested.

so over the next few weeks we'll be making this transition. on one hand i want to welcome this new person with open arms. i like her, i think she and i will work well together. she has worked with us a little in the past and i like her work. that part of me is excited. however, my little staff has been like a family, the bastard side of the big family that is our office. we are close. my part time staffer is really, really pissed about the whole thing and is skeptical about this and thinks the new person was vying for this switch. i don't think that's the case. if it is i don't want to know.