gah

fasten your seat belts ladies and gentlemen, this promises to be a very random, non sequitor post since it's been a few days and i have a lot on my mind and i just got up about 30 mins ago (yes it is almost 11 am) and i've only had the one cup of coffee. oh yeah, and the post will be long because i have no text editor in my brain.

**the hubs had his annual stress test thursday. he didn't die on the treadmill and that's the most important thing. he was wiped out at the end of the day though. after dinner he went to bed. for the night. i checked on him periodically. when i went to bed i couldn't go to sleep until i was sure he was breathing. kind of like when the kids were first born and you checked them constantly?

**the girl went to a birthday party yesterday. for some reason the recent trend among my daughter's friends is to have their parties at celebration station which is like 20-25 minutes from the house. this poses several issues. one, if the part takes me 30 mins to get to and lasts for an hour and a half is it worth it for me to leave and come back? no. do i sit at a separate table waiting? uh. the first one of these we didn't let her go to because it coincided w/ another party and it was going to end in a sleepover and we didn't know the parents. this party yesterday started at 5pm. ok really? am i REALLY the only fucking mother in this fucking town that works? who schedules a party for 5pm on friday? ok i realize maybe it was a booking issue but really? HOWEVER i must add the mother was incredibly gracious and not only offered (and did) pick the girl up from daycare (while we were still at work) but she brought her home. she said she would bring her home between 8:30-9. at 9 my heart started racing. ok, sue me i get paranoid when my kids aren't where they should be. yeah i know, i'm going to be in big trouble when they're teens huh? i called their house. uh, the number was changed. from just two days ago? really? more freaking (internally so the hubs wouldn't TOTALLY start calling the cops). 9:20 they show up and she calls "i'm sorry for being a little late" from the car. i should have given the girl her cell phone back. i took it away from her last night because while they were supposed to be cleaning their rooms she took a picture of the boy on the toilet instead. (oh, and the number was changed because they're moving.)

**my florida brother-in-law is back in the hospital. i don't even know how to describe what is going on with him. in a nutshell his body is slowly shutting down due to complications from diabetes. we don't know the whole story, it's hard to get a true one from him or his wife, but he's not even two years older than the hubs and his kidneys are failing, he's had his gall bladder out, they can't regulate his blood pressure, his stomach is doing something (shutting down), etc. though the hubs is stoic about it i know it's tearing him up. the FIL and his wife are being total tools about the whole thing. the FIL says he'll go to see him if he gets worse (uh, hellfuckinglo, really?) his wife has positioned herself as the new matriarch of the family and has taken over being the gatekeeper of the info by talking daily to the BIL's doctors. i am sitting her thinking, omg, if i don't take care of the hubs this is what we're going to be looking at down the line.

** though i've known this forever in the back of my twisted brain it finally made it to the front of my brain like the fat kid that finally gets picked for the team in dodge ball. i have confrontation issues. when it comes to anyone except the hubs i avoid confrontation like the plague. i will let people walk all over me, i won't speak up if something bothers me. like with my friends IRL. i don't typically confront them if something they do upsets or bothers me. i'm a wuss. i used to be the same way with my parents. here's the secret folks. i'm afraid if i confront people they'll leave. i've never had this problem w/ the hubs. in my heart, though we broke up and on the surface i thought i didn't want to be w/ him sometimes, i have always known that whatever happened he would be there. he won't leave me. i can confront him. my friends? i'm too wussy. i'm going to work on that though.

**my cat is going downhill. he's 17. he is skin and bones (he's always been a skinny cat. always) he has long hair and really can't take care of himself. though he's in no visible signs of pain and he still purrs almost all of the time he's awake, i wonder if i'm fooling myself that he's really ok because i don't want to admit he's not. when we had to put chloe down (12 yr old beagle) 4 years ago i knew it was for the best because she was in pain/laboring to breathe, etc. w/ rebel it's just not so clear.

**holy shit i think my daughter is starting to like country music. don't judge. there's nothing wrong (per se) w/ country, i have some country cds and like SOME country music. but i did not prefer country in my formative years. my judgemental self assumes if you like music as a preteen/teen you're a redneck kid and god, i don't know if i could deal w/ a redneck kid. i might have to set up a parental block on CMT.