thinking positive

i'm trying to.

the last two days have thrown me for a loop. this morning i am resigned to the fact that there's not much i can do about the situation feeling a bit better.

two things have brought about this change in my attitude.

first, the hubs. what can i say? i've been a lump at home the last two days. wallowing in my depression/hopelessness. the hubs has been supportive and listened to all my bitching, complaining, whining. he learned years ago (after i blew up at him as i'm wont (or is it want?) to do) when i vent that i don't want him to offer solutions (which guys love to try to do, they want to fix everything) i just want him to help me wallow in my pity and be empathetic and concur with all of my thoughts.

the hubs and i have different perspectives when it comes to work. i am of the mindset that i want (really need) to enjoy what i do for a living. i am not boss material. i don't like that aspect of working at all. i am a writer, that's what i want to do and the other stuff is the work i hate. he has always, always been in management. and he's very good at it. really. he has this air about him as being arrogant and a hard ass but when it comes to being a boss he's probably the most fair minded person i know. he works for a company now that is probably more fucked up than the one i work for. it is a family business and his boss is a lucky sperm boy who knows nothing about the business yet takes all the credit when something goes right. day in and day out the hubs deals with much more work shit than i do.

so, last night after he'd listened to all my ranting and whining and i was still pouting around he said that sometimes i need to remember that this is just a job. it doesn't define who i am as a person. sometimes i don't need to show (at work and to the bosses) how upset i am and that i don't need to fight every change that's made because then i look like i'm not a team player. this pissed me off. i didn't say so but i'm sure he knew. i felt like saying, fuck, YOU aren't the one who has to go sit in a newsroom. you aren't the one going through this, you don't understand how bad this makes me feel. i stewed some more.

however, this morning i realize that what he's saying is right. going against everything at work doesn't do anything, doesn't change anything and it just makes me look bad. i don't think this means i have to cowtow to everything that comes my way but maybe the way i handle things could be better. instead of pouting at my boss like a 5 year old maybe i should just express my concerns and move on. the hubs also reminded me (cos he's been in this wonderful peaceful contented place for a while now and it just makes me glow to think about it) that regardless of what happens at the office i have a lot of good going on. my job may go away at some point but they can't take away my family.

the second thing that shook me out of the funk was the girl. she's been moody the last few days too (maybe we're feeding off of each other?) but while i was making coffee this morning she came in an hugged me. no words, just came up and tucked herself into my arms. that, my friends, is like gold. that is one of the things life is all about. my baby girl either needed comfort or was giving it. we just stood in the kitchen wrapped up in each other for a few minutes and then went about getting ready for the day.

my baby girl. in five days she will be graduating from 5th grade.

there really is more to life than a job.