Dear....

optimism,
would you please come back to visit me again soon? i know you can't hang out with me ALL the time, but i miss you and i'd really like to see you again.
your friend,
ck

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daughter,
i know you are digging this angst-filled teenager persona you've got going on, but could you try, just a little bit, to get in the damn christmas spirit? i know you don't believe in santa, but, could you WANT to watch some damn christmas movies and listen to some damn christmas music and...you know...be a little damn jolly? thanks.
love,
mom

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school system,
for the love of god could you please quit sending home fundraisers? really? coupon books, stadium cups, candles, frozen pastries and pizzas...enough already. the kid i have that needs to sell stuff for her trip to dc is not a salesperson.
thank you,
frazzled parent

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employers,
hi. you look nice; i like what you've done with your hair. you have a really fine company there. looks like you could use my help. really. i'm a good employee. i play well with others. i follow directions. i have mad communication skillz. i usually show up on time. i would love it if you'd quit dicking around and just give me a job already. and, if you'd like me to start right after christmas that would be groovy. anyone? make me an offer.
sincerely,
desperately seeking employment

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me,
guess what? you're down to nine rolls of wrapping paper. you know what else? i don't think you have a stash of christmas cards for this year like you thought you did. guess what else? have you seen the boxed cards this year? yeah....lots of penguins on them. i know, i know. you HATE penguins dressed up for christmas. shhhhh. calm down. you know, you are the only person on the planet who has an issue with penguins being lumped into the christmas mix right? the rest of the world does not care that all of the other christmas characters live at the north pole and penguins live at the south pole. they don't care, really. i'm sure marketers mix them in because they are one of the "cold" animals and it's typically cold this time of year. plus, you know they're always dressed for a party.
love,
your inner weirdo

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son,
thank you for being excited about christmas and decorating and watching christmas specials, even if one of the two we've watched so far was a vhs tape of beavis and butthead do christmas. i love your spirit. but, uh....could you stop now with the adding things to your christmas list? seriously, you don't think you're getting all of that stuff right? and...now that you admit that you know there isn't a santa you understand that dad and i are the ones footing the bill for this shindig right? ok, just checking. oh, and one more thing....i fucking love the fact that you are actually thinking about what you want to get me for christmas...but, i like surprises. be a little more subtle about it ok? don't tell me to quit reading the sookie stackhouse books because i'll finish the series and you won't be able to buy me one for christmas.
love,
mom