w/ the shape of an ell on her forehead

a loser. that's me. or at least that's the way i feel.

i've spent the better part of the morning catching up on blogs/emails/leaving comments. yesterday i had coffee w/ friends i haven't seen in months.

i fear i have a problem keeping friends. i'm ok at it when i see someone every day, work with them, can chat over coffee in the break room or vent about common work-related issues, etc. but then when i'm not working w/ people it seems to fall apart.

i go for a week w/out blogging or reading blogs and i fall way behind in what's going on with another group of friends. i suck.

i have always thought i had commitment issues, if that's what these are. i could blame it on the fact that i was an army brat and moved somewhere new every three years, hence i didn't really ever learn the skills needed to maintain and keep friendships. when i was in elementary and middle school it didn't really matter, moving wasn't a big deal.

the first time it really bothered me was when we left PA and moved to germany. i had just finished 9th grade and had been with that group of kids since 7th grade. of course the biggest heartache was moving from germany back to the states. i'd met the hubs by then, i had a trio of great friends. of all of those people i met and had such strong connections to then, only the hubs remains a constant in my life.

i've reconnected with a handful of friends from college and high school on fb, but we never kept up before now like most people do. i think i don't really have what it takes to be a good friend. and seriously, i am NOT looking for you to say, aw, yes, you're a good friend....blah blah blah. i'm just talking out loud here.

i do not call my friends on a regular basis. i do not often see many of them in person even. and then, when i know that other friends are becoming better friends to each other i get jealous. really? what the fuck is wrong w/ me????