that's amore

so i'm sitting here at work eating popcorn in my hellacious pod and totally NOT wanting to write a damn thing. not good since i have an assload of work to get done and i'm planning on taking friday off to hang out w/ the chilluns (that's southern for kids in case y'all didn't know). snort---i say that like i'm totally southern. uh, no. i just happen to live in a state in the southern part of the country.

lately i've been trying to focus on the good things in life because at this juncture there are some things in life that i'm trying hard to deal with.

so aside from the kids (who i write about a lot) there's the hubs. before i get into this, let me assure you--he is by no means perfect. lord knows : ) one of the things he does that irritates the shit out of me is that he calls me out on things. like if i handled a situation badly or procrastinated too long on something, etc. initially i get totally pissed because i'm like, uh, you are so not my boss, but then later i realize he's not doing it to act like my boss, but to make me step back and actually look at a situation because i do really get emotional and perhaps irrational in some instances. he's also a dead-horse beater. he has a hard time letting issues drop. this sometimes drives me completely bat shit crazy. ok, so see, he's not perfect. oh, and then there's the thing w/ dirty clothes. helloooooo...we do have a laundry hamper dude. laying dirty clothes on the cedar chest isn't the same thing.

however--he totally rocks my world. seriously. i have loved him, in varying degrees, for 25 years. i can't lie and say those 25 years have been wonderful because to be honest, we had some really, really bad, dark times. the almost get a divorce times. i used to threaten that a lot. but, and i think i've written about this before, a relationship is like a roller coaster with its ups and downs. we go through cycles. though i always love him, i'm not always in love with him. there's a HUGE difference in the two.

loving him i can't imagine ever not being connected to him. when we broke up in college we were still connected. we still talked all the time, i still loved him and wanted him in my life, i just wasn't in love with him. i never for a moment dreamed, however, that he'd not always be there for me. we're strange in that we talk about the future a lot (at least i think we're strange, maybe not, maybe lots of couples do this) and we talk about what ifs. his goal has always been to make sure the kids and i will be ok when he's gone. i count myself is a pretty independent person but in all honesty i'm incredibly emotionally dependent on him.

being in love is different. it's the omg--he's coming home from his business trip today and i can't wait to see him. it's the joy in just being together and wanting to be together (not just being together because you're in the same house). it's the needing to talk to him, touch him, see him. it's sleeping better when he's in the bed. i don't know how to put it into words. it's the happiness of it all.