Friday, April 23, 2010

state of the un-union?

i know un-union isn't a word, but i didn't know what else to call this absence of a relationship w/ my parents.

a few of you have asked how it's going or what's going on w/ that. nothing. since the easter email--the one where my mom said everything they'd done was unintentional and everything i'd done was hateful and malicious (a phrase that is forever burned in my grey matter)--there has been nothing.

the hubs is worried about me, worried about how i'm coping. i can honestly say i do not sit here day after day worrying or crying over the loss of this relationship. i would be lying if i said it didn't bother me. of course it does, they are my parents. we are programmed from birth to want/need our parents' love and acceptance and i think that anyone who grows up not getting that unconditionally goes through life craving it, no matter how much they don't want to or try not to. you just can't turn it off.

there is also a part of me that just stands back, incredulous that my parents are the way they are, even though i really should not be. i think it is because i am a parent that i can't begin to comprehend how my mother and father can behave the way they do. i will probably always wonder that.

i also question how this will affect the kids. the girl has asked several times if this is her fault. the hubs and i, both together and individually, have made it crystal clear that this is in no way her fault and have stressed to both kids that regardless of what is going on their grandparents still love them. because i can only assume they actually do. part of me feels guilty for taking that relationship away from my kids, but in reality it is not like they are missing anything. it isn't like there was any regular contact.

i don't know what the future of this relationship will be, mainly because i can't think of anything either of them could say or do at this point that would change the way i feel about them. i still love them, i can't turn that off. i do feel a sense of relief that they aren't part of our lives any more.

it's quite a twist though, me being the kid on the outside. for all these years it has seemed (at least to me) that i was the dependable one. not in the sense that my bro or sis weren't dependable, but in the sense that my sister has had issues off and on for years and has been the "bad" kid and my brother has always been the outspoken one, the one that has told my parents point blank what he thinks and feels about them. and now--i'm on the outside looking in and i find that curious.

the hubs is waiting for the other shoe to fall. his last "directive" to them (after that easter email) was that any further communication would come through him. he's wondering if my mom is just waiting for me to crack and come rushing back to her or if she's truly done. the next family type event will be my other niece's bday around the end of june (and my sister's bday). there will most likely be a bday party and my parents will certainly be at that one, even though they were conveniently out of town for my baby niece's party last weekend. i don't count mother's day as a family thing because honestly for the last several years mother and father's days and their birthdays have been hard to swallow. shower me w/ love and adoration and the respect i deserve? hard to do when you don't feel that way.

and, even though i'm not religious, i have been thinking about the fact that i'm breaking a commandment--honor thy father and mother--and wondering why there isn't a commandment about how to treat your children? (aside from the biblical directive to spare the rod, spoil the child). as i said, i'm not religious so i am sure there are numerous ways in which the bible talks about the relationship between a parent and child, but just from the little i know it seems to be--parents, spank your kids when they get out of line and kids, respect and honor your parents, no matter what. seems a bit one sided if you ask me.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I rhink by the time you are grown you switch from obeying your parents to honoring them. To honor them to me means not that you include them in a birthday party, but that you set aside some portion of respect for them. Some parents may have more portion depending on what they sowed earlier in your life. Of course, the bible tells parents to train up a child in the ways of the Lord. What about a child abuser? It's hard to allow God to be the judge of what others have done to you. I'd say admire them from afar!!
The recent comments/jabs I have seen on facebook make me want to quit all together. She even called me one day this week and asked if my post on facebook meant someone was sick at our house. If I unfriended her she wouldn't know jack about us.

Anonymous said...

Darn a misspelled word and I forgot to sign my name!!
SIL

suby said...

I think honoring your parents in the Biblical sense can also mean keeping them at arm's length because of the toxic relationship. I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all.

only a movie said...

I think above all, you need to honor yourself. Right now, you know that having a relationship w/ them is toxic and hurts you, so you are doing the right thing.
None of this is easy stuff, eh?

Firegirl said...

Here's how I look at that commandment: you honor them by living a good life. I think the word that is supposed to be used is "righteous" but it's too Jeff Spicoli for me. hahaha.

By raising your kids right and living a good lifestyle, you are honoring your parents. Even if they had f*&k-all to do with it. (:-D

And really, I think that the commandments are guidelines not....wait for it...set in stone set of rules. hahahahaa I crack myself up, if no one else....

Chin up. You're protecting your kids and no one can fault you in that.