i had lunch w/ three friends the other day. actually, we all met at some one's house and brown bagged it. i haven't blogged about it because i don't really know how to put it into words. i just know that when i left i didn't feel all the better for having gotten together w/ them.
the one friend, our host, is home on maternity leave. she had her baby the first week of december. this is the first time i've seen him. this is a different tangent altogether, but, i don't understand women who do not want visitors both in the hospital and once they've come home. is it because they're afraid people will care what THEY look like? are they so in love w/ their new-born they don't want others to see it? i just don't get it. the hubs and i were so over the moon with what WE'D done (yes, we had the audacity to think we'd created these miracles) that we wanted everyone and their brother to come to the hospital right away and pay homage to our great gifts.
the second friend got laid off when i got laid off (she was my art director) and she seems to be doing well. the third friend is one that got laid off in jan. and found a job six months later. she's also one i called my bff about a year ago and then we had a falling out, she had a baby and to be honest things have never been the same between us.
anyway, i guess i walked away feeling low because i am slowly realizing that i am not like my friends, most of them anyway, at all. i know i've said this before, but not only am i not on the same page w/ most of my friends, i don't think i'm even reading the same book. and then i started over-analyzing my friendships, like why was i friends w/ these people anyway. all of my friends at this point in life are work friends, from one job or another.
(none of this is coming out like i mean it i fear.) when we had work as our common denominator i didn't see our differences as much. granted, we have many things in common or else we'd have remained co-workers instead of friends. my friends are more social than i am. they go out on week nights, they get together to do girl things on the weekends. i am assuming they talk to each other and text each other on a regular basis. i am submerged in my own world. i have never felt comfortable going out on a weeknight--mostly because they're so busy for us. homework, karate, dinner. i am older than this particular group of friends and most of them have one child and none of their kids are in school yet. they are still social.
the childish part of me (hey, at least i recognize i'm being childish) gets jealous because more often than not when i get together w/ one or more of them there is reference to something they did together or an inside joke or conversation they've had or something they're going to do in the future. i have no right to be mad, sometimes i am invited to the gatherings they reference and sometimes not. and, i have no room, really, to get even the least bit upset because if they ask and i decline it's on me. but, another part of me feels shunned and feels like the outsider, though admittedly i know i put myself out there.
the over analyzing side of me goes back to a question i've asked over and over and over again in my life--do i really know how to be a friend? i don't think so. the hubs is my longest standing permanent relationship outside of my blood relatives and up until the last 10-13 years or so it was questionable if we'd stay together.
but then i look to my relationships w/ other friends and my feelings there are not at all the same. i feel comfortable, even if it's been weeks since we've talked. i don't feel pressured or like i'm letting someone down. when we get together i don't feel like i don't have anything to contribute to the conversation. i know they have other friends and life outside of our relationship and it doesn't bother me a bit. hmmmmm.
and i feel closer to some of my blog friends than i do to the first group of girls mentioned above. how odd is that?
and the thing is---i used to think i was missing out by not joining every one of their things, but i honestly don't think i am. it's not that i don't like them or want to be friends w/ them, it's just that we aren't reading the same book anymore. they're chatting about the book they've all just read and i'm pondering the totally different book i'm reading.