drollgirl has yet again inspired a post. she wrote this on ultimatums asking if you've ever given them in a relationship and what your thoughts are about them.
in my experience, ultimatums are given when the person has reached the end of their rope. they can't find a way to compromise, they can't find a way to talk it out or talk through it or otherwise solve whatever has caused the ultimatum. i'm sure i've given ultimatums in anger to the hubs and to the kids, but i would have nothing without an ultimatum given me 18 years ago.
some of you may know this story already, if so, go watch julie & julia while i tell this because my friend big t and i saw this yesterday and omg it is awesome and i want to learn to cook even though i hate cooking and i had no idea how interesting julia childs' life was. ok. so, for those of you still here (still, go see the movie sometime, it's worth it).
unkay--mini-background: the hubs and i started dating my sophomore year in high school and continued dating (off and on because i would break up w/ him whenever i had a crush on someone else, though i never dated anyone else) until my first year in college. that year i was an INCREDIBLE bitch to him and basically told him i was a smarty pants college girl now and i wanted to date other people and didn't want to date him but i loved him so could we still be friends? yeah. and, crazy man that he is, he remained my friend. we were thousands of miles apart but we talked on the phone all the time. he was still my best friend. he "dated" other people. i "dated" other people. i say "dated" because it sounds better than we hooked up with other people.
every once in awhile we'd be in the same state or near enough to visit each other. from my freshman year to my senior year we probably saw each other a handful of times. we were still close. we still talked all the time. i graduated college and moved to nc. he was in ok. we kept up this long distance friendship still. i could never imagine him not being in my life. i just couldn't. then, one night in jan-feb, 1991 after another multi hour phone call he said to me--i can't do this any more. i can't just be your friend. we either have to try to make us work as a couple or we need to end this. those weren't his exact words (my memory sucks) but he gave me an ultimatum.
i didn't even really have to think much about it. i knew i could not go through life not speaking to him again. knowing what he was doing. having him in my life. i knew i loved him, i'd always loved him. a couple of months later he and his brother drove across country to fetch me. me and my little beagle puppy. and my falling apart gold chevette w/ bald tires. we hadn't seen each other for more than a year. i packed all of my stuff into the chevette, including the beagle, and we drove back to oklahoma. we moved there because he had a good job (at that time) and i was waiting tables and trying to figure out what i was supposed to do after graduating college. we lived in a tiny, tiny apartment and it was the best ultimatum i was ever given.
would he actually have stopped calling me? i don't know. but i do know that i wasn't willing to take that chance. and it was the most important decision of my life.