gobble gobble

thanksgiving has come and gone and we're home for the night. the hubs is snoring in his recliner, the kids are wrestling around in the den and i'm playing with photos online.

the hubs and i spent the morning preparing the dishes we took to my mom's--cornbread stuffing, pineapple casserole, cranberry sauce and a wine cake. as we were showering this morning i wondered if other couples shower together on a regular basis. we almost always shower together on the weekends. what about you?

we had dinner at my folks' house around 3ish. there were a few snide comments made during dinner. i don't know how it came up but i said something about taking a shower together and my dad asked if we could both fit in there. i said something like at least we wanted to be in the shower together. i'm not sure he heard. then i said well maybe we the people who'd had sex today could raise their hands and my bro said something like, well, you could go for a longer time frame than that (alluding to the fact that my parents haven't done it for 5 or more years).

otherwise i think it was ok. i mean we ate off of paper plates and drank from paper cups (but hey, they were christmas themed to match the red christmas tablecloth) but whatev. i think my sil and i were a little grossed out when my bro got to the bottom of his plastic cup (he should have picked a disposable cup) only to find something caked on the bottom of it. ewwwwwwwwww.

but--i enjoyed being w/ the majority of my family and i'm full and it's been a good day. i hope you all had a great thanksgiving.

thanksgiving 2009 is tomorrow

we'll be having dinner at my folks house tomorrow. my aunt and uncle will be there and my cousin along w/ my bro/sil and their kids and my sister and her husband and kids.

ah....there are so very many things i have to be thankful for. the hubs, my kids, our health and well-being. all the things we take for granted all the time. i am thankful.

despite the tumultuous relationship i have w/ my parents tomorrow will be fine. we will have turkey and pumpkin pie and stuffing (two kinds, the bread stuffing my mom makes, the kind i grew up on and love, and the cornbread stuffing the hubs loves, the kind his mom made, the kind he grew up on).

i am beginning to think we are perhaps the only family that doesn't have alcohol as part of our celebration. we never have. neither of my grandparents ever did. wine or cocktails were never social things for either family. maybe that's why there's so much alcoholism? hmmm.

saturday we're having my brother's family over for our own little thanksgiving. the hubs will make a turkey and we will enjoy each others company.

here's wishing all of you, my dear friends, a happy thanksgiving : ) oxox

this and that

we watched the last episode of that j&k w/ 8 kids show last night. i haven't kept up w/ it in awhile. i got tired of all their freebies and the mom's yelling and bitching and then got tired of the dad acting like a damn teenager. i don't know what his plans for the future are, but dude seriously needs to fucking grow up. i realize editing can make a person look one way or another, but his actions/words over the last year only make him look like an immature, selfish ass. i used to be on his side because the mom is a bitch, she yelled, she treated him badly. so ok, get a divorce, but dude, do not act like a douche canoe and do not revert to a teenager and do not put yourself above your kids.

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today is the last day of school for the kids this week. tomorrow we'll go see new moon. though the girl is firmly in team edward camp (and i in team jacob) she has admitted that jacob is much hotter. her words, not mine. ; )

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we'll be going to my folks house for thanksgiving thursday. i always have mixed feelings on thanksgiving. growing up it was the same. since we lived all over the place it was hit or miss on what we'd do for the holidays. if we were w/in driving distance and it was possible we drove home to wv and usually had two thanksgiving dinners (one at each gma's house). if we couldn't make it home it was just us, our immediate family.

over the last several years thanksgiving bounces between being at our house or my parents house as we have the most room. my mom made a big deal out of wanting to host this year since it will be the last thanksgiving my aunt and uncle are around before they pack up and move to beverly, hills that is, swimming pools, movie stars....uh, i mean before they sell their house here and move to arizona. presumably to be far away from my folks. i'm just saying.

we will gather around and pretend we are the waltons for a few hours and that will be that. over the next few days i'll make a turkey for us here and we'll haul out the christmas decorations and hopefully have a good time.

over indulge much?

last week i alluded to the fact that the hubs had the misfortune of conversing w/ my father. my dad gets home from work around 2pm and starts drinking jim beam so if you ever stop by in the afternoon you are likely to get an earful of....crap mostly.

my dad likes to rewrite history, dole out his wisdom and generally be an ass when he's drinking. actually, this is how he is most of the time, the liquor just makes him more vocal about it.

this particular day he was bitching to the hubs about how much money my mom's been spending. see, when my grandma died this past march, my dad and aunt came into some money. i don't know the exact dollar amount. i just know that my grandpa died in 1985 and my grandma's been well taken care of since then and had a wad in the bank. it should be noted that my parents have never, ever been good with money nor did they ever really make any plans for the future. they've never made plans. w/ three kids you'd think they would have thought about setting aside college money, money for weddings, etc. but alas no. though my dad rewrites history from time to time and says they paid for my education and wedding (both lies).

since my gma died 8 months ago they've bought a camper in wv that they say the will use all the time (they won't), they've had their house sided, trees/bushes removed and some other stuff. my mom is on a spending spree and wants new furniture, carpet etc. granted, their house has looked like shit for years and it does need help. my dad wants to buy a bass boat. i think my grandpa would roll over in his grave if he could see how my parents have gone through this money.

bitching about my mom's spending was just part of it. he then went on to say that we over indulge our kids. this because the boy is taking karate. because he was taking guitar and is now taking karate. my dad then said that he understands, because he has always over indulged his kids and grandkids. i'm so glad i wasn't there for that conversation because i think i just might have keeled over. really? over indulged us? wow. that's a first for me.

he also talked about how his sister (my aunt and uncle who are packing up and moving to arizona in the near future) and her husband aren't family oriented and they're spending their part of the money on themselves. omfg. really? because they've been wiser w/ their money and because they're able to retire and do what they want in life they're not family oriented? and sitting in your den playing video games or watching tv and being a drunk are family oriented activities? really? omfg again.

my father also reminded the hubs of how he lent us money once for the hubs to take care of a family emergency in oklahoma. uh--that fucking never happened. twice the hubs needed to get there in an emergency and once my dear friend big t helped and the other time my bro/sil helped. my parents never did. my dad keeps saying he wants to make sure they have money left over so they can loan it to us kids if we need it. really? like i'd ever ask him for a fucking dime.

i should have written this post right after the hubs recounted the conversation because i'm sure i'm forgetting something.

oh--he told the hubs how we were in for a lot of trouble when the girl gets to be a teen because there's so much more going on w/ kids these days. he said something to the effect that we aren't like him, he had his finger on everything that was going on, knew it all and could control it. hmmm, really? you knew when the hubs came over to hang out w/ me in high school that i was giving him a bj just down the hall from you? huh. (yes, there will be a bj post to come soon--ha ha--i said come!) anyway--to sum it up, he was a douche canoe, he drinks and runs his mouth and i do not know why i still lose my mind over some of the things he says.

over indulgent my ass.

gmaps, totga, leaves and no more santa

my brother has been on a quest to find all of the places we lived growing up on google maps. today i found two of them--one in pennsylvania and the other in germany. although we couldn't get street views, we got great aerial views and it really was incredible. the army housing area we lived in in Germany has been turned over to the germans and the base where our dad worked is closed, gone. so many of the military places have either been torn down or repurposed, but it is still so cool to see the landmarks.
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snippet of convo:

hubs: i'm lucky to be w/ the love of my life.

me: me too (yeah, i'm sooooo good w/ the words)

hubs: no, i mean some people always wonder about the one that got away but not me. i had the love of my life, you got away and then i had to hunt you down and make you see the light. blog about THAT! (as if i wouldn't)

<-----see that building? see the white building behind those trees? it has an entrance exactly like this one and THAT is where the hubs and i met, for the very first time, in june of 1983.

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i am so freaking tired of vacuuming damn leaves off of the den floor i could scream. every damn day i vacuum this room and every damn day it looks like a tree walked in here and shook off all its clothes. dammit.

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today the boy confessed that he no longer believes in santa. (SOB!) yesterday we saw a commercial for visiting santa at the mall or something and i asked him if he wanted to go. he just looked at me like i'd sprouted a unicorn horn and say, uh, no. i asked why and he said because i don't believe in santa. i asked why. he said because it's just not logical. so i tried to talk to him about christmas magic, probably more for my benefit than his, and he acted like he might believe. i knew in my heart he didn't. then he said, ok, well if santa is real i'm going to think of the one best gift i want and not tell anyone and if i get it then he's real. oh fuck me, i thought. the girl tried to help by telling the boy that santa is magical but not psychic, you have to tell your parents so they can tell santa. it all boils down to the fact that my baby no longer believes in santa claus. no more people in my house believe. (SOB!)

some gifts should not be recycled

a couple of years ago the hubs joined a christmas club fund through work. if you ever have the chance to do this i highly recommend it. i love getting that check and spending it. we got it a few weeks ago and i started shopping for the kids. this week i realized the money is almost gone and the hubs and i were talking about what there is left to buy, etc.

most of the time the hubs is the one who's more apt to spend money on the kids or give them a little extra when they don't have enough saved to buy something, but when it comes to christmas shopping i am...unstoppable. somewhat uncontrollable. i get giddy when i go to the stores, armed w/ their wish lists, and find things on sale. i don't do one big shop, rather i graze and spread it out over a period of weeks/months. it delights me!

after dinner i hauled out everything i'd bought, eager to show the hubs. then we started talking about the rest of the people we need to buy for, like my parents. here's where it gets bad, really bad.

ahem. the hubs suggested we give them gifts that we actually purchased for ourselves but have either used once and not enjoyed it or used a few times and become allergic to it. these gifts may or not be made of latex and may or not be....of the adult toy variety. they may or may not be his and hers items. the hubs' logic in this is that, according to my dad, my parents don't have sex any more, and these gifts may or may not help them....relieve themselves.

of course we are NOT regifting these things---it would be wrong on about elebentybillion levels, but, what is there to do w/ these items? they are still perfectly good, just not good for us anymore. i can't really see putting them in the next box i take to goodwill. i can't see even jokingly wrapping them up and giving them to my friend sweet t as a wedding present this weekend. is there a sex toy recycling program???

in general i am all in favor of recycling gifts. not because i'm cheap (though there is that money saving aspect) but because i like the idea of things not going to waste. what are your thoughts on regifting?

pros and cons of facelibre

(my brain is full this morning so you'll most likely get more than one post. you have been warned.)

facelibre intrigues me. i jumped on that bandwagon kicking and screaming and yet find i've happily reconnected w/ many friends/family.

this week a girl i went to high school w/ friended me; i will call her cally cos she now lives in cali. anywho. in high school i had two best friends (not counting the hubs) and the three of us were always together. oddly enough, though i'm friends w/ one of them on fb, we never talk and i've lost touch w/ the other. cally attended our school for maybe a full school year and befriended one of my two best friends and sort of became a satellite in our group for awhile. i really don't remember much about her personality other than she was really nice. my biggest memory about her actually happened after she left. i went to high school in germany (dad was in the army). neither of cally's parents were in the army, i think one of them was a professor or some other civilian who had a short contract doing something for the army. anyway--when she went back to the "world" as we called it then, she sent my friend video tapes of a little something called mtv.

being in europe our armed forces network did not get mtv when it came marching on to the scene in the early 80s, so cally's duran duran videos were our first exposure to this wonderful thing. one of my 2 besties at the time was a HUGE duran duran fan, hence the videos. i think there were also some billy idol ones in the mix. so one of my most vivid memories surrounding cally was a group of us gathering at my friend's house to watch the mtv videos cally had taped for her.

and today i summed up the last 20 yrs of my life in a big fat paragraph for her. how do you do that? i've never been good about editing myself so what exactly do you tell someone you haven't talked to since high school? yes, i'm married (yes, to that guy i was dating in high school and yes he still rocks my world), have two kids (they are fucking awesome by the way) and up until this april i actually was using my college journalism degree. hobbies? oh farming on facebook and cleaning house. ok, cleaning house, NOT really a hobby but it's what i do. sometimes.

one more thing about fb that makes me want to stuff myself in a locker is being able to look at my friend's friends. (granted, this is how people find one another sometimes) my old high school insecurities come rushing back when i look at the hubs' friends and see people that i was friends w/ in high school who are HIS friends but not mine. really? we had a few friends in common who friended him but not me. then there are people neither of us were really friends w/ who friended him but not me. yes, in high school he was much, much cooler than me and i was the geeky, nerdy national honor society kid, but STILL.

flashback

i was out christmas shopping for the kids today (and running a few errands) when a small voice transported me back in time 10 years.

i was strolling around in tarjay when i heard the sweetest little two-year-old voice that could have been a carbon copy of the girl. oh sweet jesus but our girl was the cutest toddler EVER. pigtails, smiles all the time, sweetness, curiosity, fearless. she didn't know a stranger and was so talkative and happy. that voice i heard in the store was the exact same voice (do you know how hard it is to write a poignant post about your daughter as a toddler when he 12-year old self is sitting three feet away from you being loud and obnoxious????) she had at that age.

the overheard conversation went like this (but really, i wish i could have recorded it because w/ out that sweet voice it's just not quite the same):

mom: c'mon honey it's time to go. don't you want to go to sally's house?

toddler: yes mommy, i DO want to go to sally's house. i love playing with her.

mom: ok, then we need to get going.

toddler: (squealing w/ delight and eagerness) come ON mommy! let's go NOW! giggle giggle giggle

i kid you not i stood at the end cap listening and tears filled my eyes.

holy crap wtf is wrong w/ me? lol

totally random stuff

• thanks for all of the great well wishes in the last post but i should clarify--the date night was just a date night--our anniversary was in october : )
• the hubs had the misfortune of having a conversation with my dad today and i am still reeling from the shit that comes out of my dad's mouth. granted he'd been drinking as usual, but damn. i'll share the tidbits of that in another post.
• you know you are living w/ a 12 year old girl when you decide to paint your nails after you've painted her's--purple. dark purple. i feel like i should be popping some bubble gum, wearing pigtails and saying like every five minutes. although the girl won't wear pigtails.
• i think soon i will have to bless you with a racy kind of post. i feel like i've been neglectful of any saucy, sexy posts lately. or maybe i've grown up? nah, that's not it i'm sure. later this week i'll do a post about blow jobs or something.
• people i know far and wide are already decorating for christmas. i have, so far, resisted the urge to follow like a lemming, but it is getting harder. i have started christmas shopping though. i love shopping for my kids for christmas, it's so fun.
• i made beef/vegetable stew today for dinner and i have to say, it was pretty damn good. even though the kids wouldn't touch it w/ a 10 foot pole. stupid kids.
• it is four days until that second vampire movie comes out. to celebrate i bit the girl on the neck saturday. she's been trying to get me back ever since. she's also been rereading the entire series in anticipation. she's read that series about 20 times. and that's not hyperbole.
• even though chris daughtry is from the same area i am living in, i've never caught the chris fever.
• peanut butter very well could be the most perfect food.
• why do we only eat pumpkin pie in the fall?
• we've had busy weekends for the last 4-6 weeks and haven't really gotten together much w/ my bro/sil and the kids and i miss them. and? i'm childish enough to be jealous that puddin' (my baby niece) is growing closer to my sil's sister and she will now be her favorite aunt. i don't feel that way about my nephew because i have him locked in because of the girl and boy.
• the 12 year old girl is changing every day. i think i notice it more and more because we're spending so much time together. when the hubs takes the boy to karate she and i are either home alone or out running errands--and by running errands i mean traipsing through tarjay. these days she wants to look at the books and makeup, and sometimes toys, but those toy aisles don't hold the same appeal to her. it's bittersweet.
• the hubs and i were talking the other day about how we thought it would be cheaper once they were in school and we weren't paying for full-time daycare. we were sooo very wrong.
• please don't even tell me cameron is leaving chase and the show house!! and for house watchers--did you know wilson was in dead poet's society? me either until i was flipping through the channels the other day and saw his prepubescent self.
• and--when the HELL is lost starting up again??
• last october when the hubs and kids rescued little jasper from certain death i was momentarily irritated that they were bringing a fifth animal into the house. at that time we already had two cats and two dogs, two big dogs. when my cat rebel died last december we were left with four pets. jasper has hopped his way into our hearts (he looks like mix between a cat and a rabbit) and this is good. however, i have told the hubs that years from now, when our big dogs are gone, i want a smaller dog. not an itty bitty dog, but a small, lap dog. lately i've been wondering what the harm would be in having a third dog rather than waiting. i mean, especially if the world ends in 2012 that would suck that i didn't have a little dog. shhh on that though. i am just tossing that around in my head. if the hubs knew i was even remotely considering this we would have a small dog tomorrow.
• i really fucking hate ww whatever wrestling. i am soooo ready for the boy to get over this obsession. hell, i'd rather go back to the super hero obsession years when he wore his spiderman costume year round under his clothes.

rain, joining the club and a date

good thing i'm not doing that nanoblowme thing because really, my blogging frequency is all over the place, and certainly not a daily thing.

a couple of months ago the boy joined karate. i am glad for it--i think it's a good thing, positive, etc. but damned if it's not expensive. he was also still taking guitar lessons, but, the boy pretty much has a one track mind (which is going to kill his future wife. trust me, i know. he comes by this genetically, hello hubs : ) ). anyway. he hadn't been practicing his guitar and was much more focused on the karate (i want to say it like ka-ra-tay like spongebob) so we've put guitar lessons on hold for awhile.

this week the boy earned his yellow belt (yeah) and was invited to join the master's black belt club. now--the cynic in me is all like, ummm, unkay, this is just a scam to get more money out of us (which it did) and seriously? you have to be in a special club to earn a black belt? no, you don't, but this basically puts you on the fast track (like 2-3 yrs to get it instead of i don't know 20?) lol. but seriously. i am a skeptic. i just hope the boy stays focused on it--he's very very in to it right now. see?

(the blue uniform signifies students in the master program) ok. but also in this picture is something else that cracks me up. see the bike helmet there at the end of the couch? by the flip flops? you may be wondering why this is in the den right? welllllll, the boy discovered that if he puts the helmet on in the morning before school it flattens his hair and he likes it like that. boy haircare 101. check.

last night we were at my folks house for dinner and my kids were....on. sometimes, usually around dinner time i've discovered, it is like some invisible monster comes along and flips this obnoxious switch on them. they get louder and obnoxious and at some point it usually ends up that they get in trouble. so last night they were doing this and for awhile being funny. the hubs said something about putting the kids in private school and the boy said, but dad, then we'd really stick out. like in crazy public school they blend in. oy vey.

i did not get to do that which i'm not speaking of (walking) but once last week because of ida. this is what she did for most all of the week.

the first pic is actually of our neighbors yard because, dude, it was like a pond. then our yard and the dog lot. needless to say the dogs were inside most all of the week. keely used this excuse to chew up a box of crayons, some halloween decorations and a pack of sunflower seeds the girl left on the end table.

earlier this week i secretly planned a date night for the hubs and i on friday. my bro and sil gave us gift certificates for our bdays in august. one was for a japanese restaurant (you know, the kind that cook right in front of you) and the other was for my kids to sleepover at their house. friday we dropped the kids off, went to a yummy dinner where we could actually talk to each other (see above where i said my kids sometimes lose their minds at dinner) and then...yes, then we walked around lowes hardware : ) this immediately made me think about how different we are from some of my younger friend couples who would have gone out clubbing or to a bar. that hasn't been our scene for a very, very long time. regardless, it was nice to have an evening to ourselves.

so, that's what's been going on here this week. i'm hoping to catch up on your blogs today : )

meow and purr

we have two cats (and two dogs) who are quite vocal. the girl's cat talks a lot. meowing at the drop of a hat, meowing back to you when you talk to her, etc. the boy cat, jasper, occasionally meows, but he mostly makes these other noises that i can't even describe. they're like...half purrs half moans, guttural, fully sated noises. like he's just had the best sex in the world and really all he's doing is stretching or rolling over or waking up.

that wasn't even what i was going to post about so i have no idea why i went down that path but now that i am down that path i can't remember what the damn post was going to be about. now all i am thinking about is purring and being sated.

ecstatic?

have you seen the commercial for trojan's new ecstacy condom? it says it makes it feel like nothing's there. um....hmmm....well, that really wouldn't be a selling point in my book.

i prefer blankets to covers

i love snuggling under a blanket--any season--curling up, cozy. my kids do the same thing. we are blanket people. anytime i get under a blanket the girl's cat comes and curls up on my lap.

however, i do not like covers. as in cover songs. i thought about this this morning while i was walking and this song from rod came on (when i was your man, from the out of order album). first i basked in the song, because....that voice, the poignancy of the lyrics...ok it's rod, i got lost in the moment. really, listen to it. i'll wait.

then i thought about this new album of his that's out and how he's popping up everywhere promoting it. i follow his pr machine on facebook (shut up) and though i haven't actually caught any of his appearances i know of them. you'd think, being such the fan, i would be excited. but, it's a cover album. just like his last one. and i HATE cover songs. really. even if it is him doing them. i do not get thrilled to see him on the shows singing those songs.

i am a creature of habit. whoever sang the song the first time i heard it, ever, that's who i associate the song with, so, if anyone sings it after that i don't like it. i like sheryl crow but she covered a rod song and i can't listen to it. i like phil collins a lot but he covered cyndi lauper's true colors and i don't like it. i'm sure there are some rod songs that are covers but if i heard him sing it first, that's it for me. i'm not quite sure what he's trying to accomplish with these cover albums. i know many of the artists he's covering are his idols, but still. maybe he needs the dough to keep up w/ all the alimony.

i also realized this morning that i do not have a good playlist for walking, if you don't believe me read this previous post on aural exposure (cos you know i love aural and oral) to see what's filling my ears.

if you have any recommendations for good walking tunes, let me know. i'll be listening.

please forgive me

holy hell. i am so ashamed and embarrassed.

in my haste to revamp the blog a few weeks ago, i screwed around and lost my blog list. i know some people have a huge blog roll on the side of their blogs and they may or may not read them on a regular basis but i use mine as a go to.

since i've been neglecting my blog anyway, i hadn't paid attention. i left off three of my faves! i have rectified this and will be around to catch up on you all. omg. really, i have just had my head up my ass apparently.

fragrant liar, a mouthy irish woman and my dear, sweet, long time bloggy friend, kristin--please accept my sincere apologies.

if i've neglected anyone else, please feel free to bitch slap me so i can add you back to the list. or if you just feel like being a little rough....

it's alright with me

i'm thirsty,
a bit breathless,
sweaty.

mick was just whispering in my ear how he wanted to come to my emotional rescue, then prince jumped in and said he never meant to cause me any sorrow.

but who got me really going? who coaxed the words out of me?

docksiders

when i was in high school in the 80s these shoes were it. not in this particular format--no colored grommets or black leather. no, back in the day you had light or dark brown docksiders. the older, more worn they looked the better. and you never wore them w/ socks. it was an unwritten rule.

those that know me well know that i'm not a fashionista, never have been. but, in high school i embraced all of the 80s dress codes--well, those that reached us in the army school in europe anyway. we weren't always on the cutting edge of things, plus our style got mixed up w/ what the german kids were wearing and what we could find in the local stores. anywho---the docksiders.

once when i was leaving the house my dad noticed that i didn't have socks on. really? of ALL the things you could worry about w/ your teenage daughter who was dating a bad boy 3 yrs older than her, you were worried about SOCKS? of course he made me put them on. and of course i took them off and stuffed them in my purse or book bag as soon as i got out the door. stupid dad--didn't he know NOBODY wore socks w/ their docksiders.

i thought about this this morning as our high is supposed to be 59 and the girl came out dressed in shorts and flip flops. we are going through a time right now where whatever comes out of my mouth is immediately wrong or if i say i like something she hates it or if i make something she hates it or....whatever. she's rebelling against me big time these last several days. so i look at her summer attire and say, did you check the weather? what's the high going to be? (we can easily check this because the hubs has a super cool mini-weather thingy inside that gives the 3 day forecast. quite handy). 59, it will get up to 59 today. ok, there is frost on the ground outside and i had to turn the heat on last night. i don't think shorts and flip flops are going to fly today. she rolled her eyes and changed clothes.

at what point do you let kids make their own decisions when it comes to dressing for the weather? do i let her wear flip flops and shorts until she just can't stand it? is this one of those times i should heed the warning, choose your battles?

*and really? i have no room to talk about attire. my out of work outfit varies between my holiest (and i'm talking i really can't politely wear these things out of the house anymore holy) jeans and a t-shirt to some pull on comfy pants and a sweatshirt. and ....crocs. yes. i wear them. with socks even. and...they're pink. i know some of you are HOWLING w/ laughter right now. and the thing is--the crocs are old and worn and not even REAL crocs (much like my docksiders in high school).

barely awake

Barely awake.
Eyes are open and I’m sitting here, but
Underneath all my cells are still pulling the covers close
Warm in bed.

I feel semi drugged in this state
That is halfway between asleep and fully awake
The state where anything is still possible
It could be sensual, lingering, erotic

You know that feeling you get
Afterwards
When your entire being is humming
Ever molecule is aware and tingling
And then it is just sweet oblivion
Nothing matters and your eyelids
Are too heavy and you
Are so satisfied and full and sleep welcomes you.

i'm not talking about it

but, writing about it is the same so it's stupid to even say i'm not talking about it. the walking. that's what i'm referring to. i am not going to say that this will become a habit of mine, though lord knows it needs to be. but, i did walk again today. i know, those of you who are doing 10ks and 5ks and working out at the gym daily, etc. are probably all like...oh, uh, wow ck, you're uh, walking. nice. (as you roll your eyes and look at each other like wtf is up w/ this chick?)

but, i've never been an exerciser. so, i'm not now saying i am. at all. cos that would jinx it.

but, i do wonder if the old people in my neighborhood read lips and saw me mouth singing (cos i just can't sing out loud while i'm walking) to holler back girl this morning.

a walk to clear my head

when i got laid off in april i decided i would start walking after everyone left the house in the morning. (have i mentioned that i am a HUGE procrastinator? hmm, well, i'm sure i meant to tell you but just hadn't yet).

this morning i took my first walk after everyone left the house. i did not quite realize how hilly our neighborhood is. yes, of course we've gone on walks before in our neighborhood but i guess when you are chatting w/ someone or walking the dogs it doesn't feel the same. it was a good walk. i have no idea how much distance i covered but i walked for 45 mins. it's a start. i listened to my mp3 player and am still wondering how people jog w/ them because i was forever putting the ear phones back in my ears. perhaps i have unusually small ears?

i haven't written much because, let's be honest, there's not much to write. i had a bit of a mini-breakdown last week thinking that my unemployment had totally run out and we were headed for disaster, but it's not and we're not but it did give me a jolt. i have been floating along on this cloud of hopefulness, sure that something will come along. i look. i apply. i get rejected. i move on. i try not to dwell in the what ifs. what if i don't get a job in the next four months? what if we have to put the house on the market? what if we lose everything we've been working towards? if i start down that path it scares me to death. the hubs and i have gone through tough financial times and have worked so hard to get where we are, to save for the future, to plan for our kids' college and retirement. then i look over at my parents who never spent a day in their life planning. their plan was waiting for their share of my gma's money, which they got and are running through ever-so-quickly. the hubs told me my dad said something to him a while back, something like, funny isn't it how you and ck have always planned and worked so hard and now we're in the same boat? i think he said that before i lost my job. both my fil and my mom have asked us if we need money. thankfully right now we do not, but even if we end up needing help i don't know that i'd want to give either of them the satisfaction of helping us. i just don't think i could stand it.

there are ten thousand things that bother me about being out of work, but the biggest issue i have is the uncertainty. yes, i grasp the reality of no one ever knows for sure what tomorrow will bring, but at least when you have a job you can sort of count on it--until you can't. a job gave me a sense of security. it gave me a sense of purpose.

you'd think, with all of this time on my hands, i would have accomplished something visible, something great, started a novel, finished painting the house, made everyone a homemade christmas gift or something. alas no. i do think i've done a lot of soul searching though. some of it's good, some not so good.

sadly i think i've discovered that i'm more like my gma and dad than i realized. i could quite easily be a hermit. she was a hermit. he is a hermit. it's not that i don't like being around other people, but, sometimes it takes too much mental effort. i am a contradiction---i love to travel, love hanging out w/ friends, love doing stuff, but i also find it hard to make myself do those things.

i have learned to slow down though. i feel like i appreciate little things more than i used to. i was moving too fast before to notice them or give them the credit for being.

lately i've realized that all these years i've been fussing because i didn't think the hubs was "romantic" enough. omg. i just didn't realize that he is quite romantic in his own way. i was looking for storybook romance, sweep you off your feet stuff, but it is in the quiet conversations we have that his tenderness shines. he expresses his thoughts and feelings so much better than i ever could, verbally. i would pour all of mine out in a letter, while he'll say sweet, tender, amazing things face to face. and it's not the poetry, sappy crap, it's just....i don't even know how to describe it. it's the stoked embers of a long burning fire.

you know how people always say opposites attract? it is so true. at least in our case. he is the epitome of the "bad boy" in every john hughes film i loved. (side note--i checked three videos out at the library last week, the breakfast club, sixteen candles and say anything. i was hoping to indoctrinate the girl into the power of john hughes, but we've watched the first two and dammit if she didn't say they were lame. unrealistic, not enough drama, bleh. although while we watched them she seemed to enjoy them. this coming from the girl who is enamored w/ all things twilight and who watches degrassi all the time.)